(Originally Written February 23, 2009 in the Journal)
So I found out what I was suspecting. She is dating again. I'm loosed from my chains. This marriage was a prison. The relationship had its highs and a piece of my heart will always be hers but not as my wife (my wife was not the woman I married). Like a first love, a fondness for a high school romance. That's all it was - we were just older. Nothing more, nothing less, but not insignificant.
I've written a lot in here cryptically about feelings for someone. I'm not sure if I have them or better yet, I'm not sure how rooted or strong they are. I feel freer, happier than I have in years. Yesterday I woke in such a glory that not even a hangover could have spoiled my mood. I had fun, not mere enjoyment or a lack of fain, but actual fun.
The divorce is over. It was hard, but I am hopeful. Every bit of separation I feared to be hard was monstrously difficult and left gashes though my soul and heart yet...
Yet is the most powerful word in the English language, in my somewhat humble opinion. Yet is the power we have. Life comes crashing down brandishing the weapons of destruction, yet I carry on even in times of slavery. Yet, I am happy. Yet, I have joy. Yet, I am not conquered. Yet, when these deep wounds and gashes heal I feel more alive.
There is some anger, maybe even some hate in my heart. There a whole mindset of women out their who will now write me off. There is a stigma. I wonder if she dons this philosophy as protective gear. Maybe I shall find out or maybe I am still too afraid to move on a feeling like this. I don't fear I will have a hard time committing. I fear the opposite. Maybe I'll come too strong and scare her away or worse still we'll be married and I'll find another woman who I've married is not the woman I dated.
That's an odd sentence.
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