In Day three of Mark Batterson's book Draw the Circle he titles the prayer challenge as "Amazing Things". On day two he talked about trusting God because He is great, not just great at the big things, but great because He cares about the little things. But He cares about Amazing Things as well. The Amazing Things though are the things that God has in store for us. Batterson points out the part in Joshua where the Lord commands Joshua to consecrate himself, "for the Lord will do amazing things among you" (Joshua 3:5).
The word consecrate means to set apart or to make holy. Usually today we think of it when something is made sacred like a church or a cemetery. The idea of consecrating oneself is hard and ties into the difficulty I have with this particular prayer, the difficulty being that its hard to do and not that I disagree with it. The issue at hand is my pride, my ego. It's hard to give up things to consecrate myself, to dedicate myself wholly to God. I think it's gotten harder now as I've gotten older. I think ten years ago I could've just thrown myself at the feet of God when I felt Him calling me to do something. I might not have had the discipline or dedication to stick with the project He had called me to, but I feel I was more willing. As I've gotten older and become relatively more accomplished (not that I'm a superstar extraordinaire) I've become more prideful and full of myself. It's hard, when I'm even in tune enough to hear His calls, to abandon myself, my ambitions, my plans and follow His.
Batterson talks about this time he was in a Cleveland airport early in the morning and that this particular flight had made him miss his normal prayer time with his church. Then he felt God calling him to kneel down and pray right then and there. He talked about how the prayer with his church on every morning at 7:14 had become such an integral part of his life that when he missed it, on days like the day he was in the Cleveland airport that he felt pangs to pray like you feel hunger. I desire that prayer routine to be so embedded in my life that when I miss it I feel literal hunger. But, I don't know if I'm humble enough to hear God tell me to drop to my knees and pray in public and follow through. Batterson also stated that a little of his ego died that day. That scared me. I want the hunger to pray, but do I really want to make the sacrifice of myself to get it?
Throughout today's devotion he basically reiterated what I intellectually know and understand, that being the more I give myself to God the more He gives His self to me. I know it. I want that. But, my pride seems to cling on to bits of who I am - even the bits I don't particularly like about me. I don't think I cling to the parts of my personality that I'm not really fond of or that are blatantly sinful because I'm in a mood to rebel against the commandments of God. I think I cling to them because they are mine. It's a pride thing, but also a selfishness. It's also a fear of the future, a fear of the process. It's complacency.
So in praying with Erin tonight she prayed for me what I had asked (to get God's help with my pride, and for me to get to the point where I hunger to pray to God). Prayer has never been my strong suit in my Christian walk. I can read the Word, read commentaries on the Word, listen to sermons and lectures and do charitable things with relative ease. But, when it comes to praying I just don't do it as regularly as I'd like or as I should. So I genuinely want to hunger to pray. Erin's prayer on this was fine. But, when she answered my request on stripping away my pride and ego she prayed to God that He would take out his long sword and slash my ego away. It made me shudder a bit. It is the prayer that I want. I want to humble myself before God and let go of who I am so that He can mold me into who I am supposed to be. I even imagine that much of who I am will be who I will be and the parts I don't particularly like about the current state of me will be stripped away in God's molding, but I'd rather him mold with a spoon than a long sword. Even so, Lord you heard my wife's prayer and it is with a strong trepidation that I pray you answer her petition.
In the end Batterson made a good point about exchanging who we are with God to who He wants us to be. If we give to God of ourselves, He gives of Himself. We will exchange our sins for the righteousness of Christ. That isn't a bad trade, but it's still a hard one. I ask you now Lord to make me willing and soften my heart. Break my pride and help me relinquish my demanding of being in charge of who I am. Make me into who you want me to be.
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