Confession

I cannot find book eleven anywhere. I'm slightly annoyed by this. On another note - I'm struggling deeply with my demons. It's truly terrifying to look into my mind at these times. There is the obvious struggle - I can't stop over drinking. My hands are shaking and my stomach turns. I fear that I am physically killing myself. There isn't any pain. I'm just aware that things are breaking down in my body at a faster rate than it should.

The biggest fear is the mental one. I can physically mask the mistakes. Erin knows. I try to shield her. I try to hide it from her. She thinks that it's me trying to hide it so I won't get caught and face the consequences. I hide it because... (Do you know?)

I hurt everywhere.

When I drink I control time. Time stretches and contracts according to my will while I'm drinking. I can never get back to the time before I had ever drank - but, I come close. I woke up at 330 this morning. I went to work at 9. That five and a half hours lasted a life time. I don't know how to explain it. It felt like it lasted two days and yet, it could have only been 30 minutes.

I hurt everywhere.

The biggest fear is the mental one. I can physically alter the world. I can physically alter myself. Everybody knows. I try to shield them. I try to hide it from them. They think that it's me trying to hide it so I won't get caught and face the consequences. I hide it because I know the truth. I think a lot about how life would be without me.  I don't want to sound self absorbed or overly confident - this post won't lend itself any other way though. I think a lot about how others would be without me. It would be a horrible loss at first. I am a good son. I am a good husband. I am a good employee. I am good at what I do. But, after the initial sadness and loss the people I'm close to would be better without me. I think about this all the time. It weighs me down. It is a rough realization to learn that you are a burden to your loved ones. It is a rough realization to learn that and be too cowardly to live up to those obligations. It weighs me down. I think about this all the time.

I hurt everywhere.

I don't want to post this. I don't want to read this years from now and relive this horror. I especially don't want you to read this and realize that I was struggling so hard in my final days. That terrifies me. I'm lucky we don't own a gun. I couldn't do it another way. I'm too scared. I want too much to accomplish things. I don't want to cause you any more pain. I want to make you proud. But, I think about this all the time. It weighs me down.

I hurt. Everywhere.