Showing posts with label alcohol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alcohol. Show all posts
Sunday, August 26, 2018
A little bit of self censoring never hurt anybody
I don't normal censor much on this blog, but there are parts of journal 26 (October 12 - 24, 2007) when everything in my life was crumbling that serve no purpose reliving. It began with me justifying her actions towards me. I was apologetic for her and basically allowing myself to be the reason she cheated. In the middle I was grasping at anything in Scripture to help me get through, but I was trying to use Scripture as some magic wand that was going to fix everything rather than be my solace through a breakup. By the end of that two week period I was bitter and the remainder of the journal stayed blank for about nine years. There are things in that two week period that I don't have any desire to relive again. I relived some of it in rehab, searching to see if this period of my life had anything to do with why I struggled with alcohol. If it did, it was long buried underneath much more pressing issues. I'm not angry about the situation any more. It's silly to read the times where I was taking on the blame for her actions. The fact of the matter was that I was wronged in that relationship. It isn't fun to remember, but it's meaningless to me where I'm at now. Most of my journals will be saved somewhere in the attic. This one will be disposed of after I get the contents from 2016 onto this blog.
Sunday, March 25, 2018
Dark spot
It's been a while since I've worked on my journals. I've been in a rather dark place for the past few months. In that time I've known only despair and depression, anger and frustration, hanging on to what needs to die in order to live. Not much has changed today. I'm just tired of being in that dark place. I'm not sure that I am capable or even willing to get to the place that everyone else seems to know that I need to be. But, I'm tired of the darkness too. So, I won't worry about that place where everyone thinks I should be as it is far away anyhow. I'll simply focus on right now and getting out of the darkness long enough to work on the things like this journal that bring me a modicum of happiness.
Friday, September 29, 2017
Two verses from Acts 3
I've been rather neglectful of a number of things in my life recently. I've been intellectually, spiritually, physically and creatively lazy over the past few months. This is nothing new - and it tends to coincide with dips in form in my struggles. This in turn creates tension in my marriage, putting more pressure on my inability to overcome my baser desires and intentional forgetfulness. That in turn, makes me a bit depressed and I turn to my well worn stress relievers putting more tension on my marriage and the carousel continues to spin faster and faster, sucking me in deeper and deeper to the middle and everything seems to get worse and worse. And so on and so on. But, if I push through and am not intellectually, physically, creatively or most importantly, spiritually lazy than none of this happens. Mistakes are still made, but these are incidents rather than cycles.
I often work in platitudes or hastily announced, unachievable goals. This drives my wife insane and sets me up for failure. I'm trying not to do this again. I've ran or worked out the last three days, finished another book (40 of my 60 goal this year) and read some from Acts last night. I'm hoping to just make incremental progress this week and work on creating a more virtuous circle rather than getting sucked into the aforementioned negative merry-go-round. But - as you can see, that last sentence is rather close to a hastily announced, unachievable goal. Is it my own personal jargon? Who am I announcing these platitudes towards? I think I'm only saying them to ease my own unrest. But, I digress.
I read the first three chapters of Acts last night after finishing The Symposium by Plato and reading 20 pages of Ulysses by Joyce. It took me nearly a month to finish the Plato piece (which marks my intellectual laziness as of late). It will take me longer to finish Joyce (which is because it's a gargantuan 700 plus pages and difficult to read). But, two verses stood out to me from Acts 3.
Acts 3:16
"It is Jesus' name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him".
I'm not sure that I'm ready or willing to call my self-inflicted frustrations a disease. It's more of an issue of will. But, there is definitely some healing that needs to take place in me. Whether it is biological or spiritual in nature is a question of semantics. There is something broken inside of me. And it struck me that my spiritual laziness is leading me to reject complete healing. What also struck me about this verse is that faith comes through Jesus. In order for man to have faith it must come through Jesus. It isn't a strength of a man reaching out to Jesus, but rather Jesus preceding the faith that the man can have. So I prayed for that faith that comes only through Jesus last night and I echo that prayer again today.
Acts 3:26
"When God raised up His servant, He sent him first to bless you by turning each of you from your wicked ways".
My struggles are my struggles. They have impacted my social life, my career life, my physical life to an extent, my spiritual life and my love life. To be blunt, they have sucked. Yet, I derive a weird pleasure while going through them. I know it's wrong but I do it anyway for the moments of escape they provide. However, this verse jumped out at me because I never thought of getting out of these struggles as a blessing. I just figured when I grew out of this struggle that I could return to a sort of base line normalcy. I now see it - when I am turned by Jesus from my wicked way, I won't be returning to some base line normalcy, but an elevated state of being blessed.
I often work in platitudes or hastily announced, unachievable goals. This drives my wife insane and sets me up for failure. I'm trying not to do this again. I've ran or worked out the last three days, finished another book (40 of my 60 goal this year) and read some from Acts last night. I'm hoping to just make incremental progress this week and work on creating a more virtuous circle rather than getting sucked into the aforementioned negative merry-go-round. But - as you can see, that last sentence is rather close to a hastily announced, unachievable goal. Is it my own personal jargon? Who am I announcing these platitudes towards? I think I'm only saying them to ease my own unrest. But, I digress.
I read the first three chapters of Acts last night after finishing The Symposium by Plato and reading 20 pages of Ulysses by Joyce. It took me nearly a month to finish the Plato piece (which marks my intellectual laziness as of late). It will take me longer to finish Joyce (which is because it's a gargantuan 700 plus pages and difficult to read). But, two verses stood out to me from Acts 3.
Acts 3:16
"It is Jesus' name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him".
I'm not sure that I'm ready or willing to call my self-inflicted frustrations a disease. It's more of an issue of will. But, there is definitely some healing that needs to take place in me. Whether it is biological or spiritual in nature is a question of semantics. There is something broken inside of me. And it struck me that my spiritual laziness is leading me to reject complete healing. What also struck me about this verse is that faith comes through Jesus. In order for man to have faith it must come through Jesus. It isn't a strength of a man reaching out to Jesus, but rather Jesus preceding the faith that the man can have. So I prayed for that faith that comes only through Jesus last night and I echo that prayer again today.
Acts 3:26
"When God raised up His servant, He sent him first to bless you by turning each of you from your wicked ways".
My struggles are my struggles. They have impacted my social life, my career life, my physical life to an extent, my spiritual life and my love life. To be blunt, they have sucked. Yet, I derive a weird pleasure while going through them. I know it's wrong but I do it anyway for the moments of escape they provide. However, this verse jumped out at me because I never thought of getting out of these struggles as a blessing. I just figured when I grew out of this struggle that I could return to a sort of base line normalcy. I now see it - when I am turned by Jesus from my wicked way, I won't be returning to some base line normalcy, but an elevated state of being blessed.
Monday, June 5, 2017
Confession
I cannot find book eleven anywhere. I'm slightly annoyed by this. On another note - I'm struggling deeply with my demons. It's truly terrifying to look into my mind at these times. There is the obvious struggle - I can't stop over drinking. My hands are shaking and my stomach turns. I fear that I am physically killing myself. There isn't any pain. I'm just aware that things are breaking down in my body at a faster rate than it should.
The biggest fear is the mental one. I can physically mask the mistakes. Erin knows. I try to shield her. I try to hide it from her. She thinks that it's me trying to hide it so I won't get caught and face the consequences. I hide it because... (Do you know?)
I hurt everywhere.
When I drink I control time. Time stretches and contracts according to my will while I'm drinking. I can never get back to the time before I had ever drank - but, I come close. I woke up at 330 this morning. I went to work at 9. That five and a half hours lasted a life time. I don't know how to explain it. It felt like it lasted two days and yet, it could have only been 30 minutes.
I hurt everywhere.
The biggest fear is the mental one. I can physically alter the world. I can physically alter myself. Everybody knows. I try to shield them. I try to hide it from them. They think that it's me trying to hide it so I won't get caught and face the consequences. I hide it because I know the truth. I think a lot about how life would be without me. I don't want to sound self absorbed or overly confident - this post won't lend itself any other way though. I think a lot about how others would be without me. It would be a horrible loss at first. I am a good son. I am a good husband. I am a good employee. I am good at what I do. But, after the initial sadness and loss the people I'm close to would be better without me. I think about this all the time. It weighs me down. It is a rough realization to learn that you are a burden to your loved ones. It is a rough realization to learn that and be too cowardly to live up to those obligations. It weighs me down. I think about this all the time.
I hurt everywhere.
I don't want to post this. I don't want to read this years from now and relive this horror. I especially don't want you to read this and realize that I was struggling so hard in my final days. That terrifies me. I'm lucky we don't own a gun. I couldn't do it another way. I'm too scared. I want too much to accomplish things. I don't want to cause you any more pain. I want to make you proud. But, I think about this all the time. It weighs me down.
I hurt. Everywhere.
The biggest fear is the mental one. I can physically mask the mistakes. Erin knows. I try to shield her. I try to hide it from her. She thinks that it's me trying to hide it so I won't get caught and face the consequences. I hide it because... (Do you know?)
I hurt everywhere.
When I drink I control time. Time stretches and contracts according to my will while I'm drinking. I can never get back to the time before I had ever drank - but, I come close. I woke up at 330 this morning. I went to work at 9. That five and a half hours lasted a life time. I don't know how to explain it. It felt like it lasted two days and yet, it could have only been 30 minutes.
I hurt everywhere.
The biggest fear is the mental one. I can physically alter the world. I can physically alter myself. Everybody knows. I try to shield them. I try to hide it from them. They think that it's me trying to hide it so I won't get caught and face the consequences. I hide it because I know the truth. I think a lot about how life would be without me. I don't want to sound self absorbed or overly confident - this post won't lend itself any other way though. I think a lot about how others would be without me. It would be a horrible loss at first. I am a good son. I am a good husband. I am a good employee. I am good at what I do. But, after the initial sadness and loss the people I'm close to would be better without me. I think about this all the time. It weighs me down. It is a rough realization to learn that you are a burden to your loved ones. It is a rough realization to learn that and be too cowardly to live up to those obligations. It weighs me down. I think about this all the time.
I hurt everywhere.
I don't want to post this. I don't want to read this years from now and relive this horror. I especially don't want you to read this and realize that I was struggling so hard in my final days. That terrifies me. I'm lucky we don't own a gun. I couldn't do it another way. I'm too scared. I want too much to accomplish things. I don't want to cause you any more pain. I want to make you proud. But, I think about this all the time. It weighs me down.
I hurt. Everywhere.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Sorrow & Repentance
In continuing the search for godliness I cam to both 2 Corinthians chapter 1 and chapter 7 but the word 'godly' wasn't in either one. I was confused in reading Chapter 1, mainly because I was looking for the specific word and missed much of the message, but in Chapter 7 I gleaned a couple of things.
"Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it - I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while - yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death" (2 Corinthians 7:8-10).
The difference between being sorry in the world and sorry in Christ is twofold. Being sorry in the world's terms leaves one feeling regret and on the road to death. But being sorry in Christ brings about repentance and salvation. In my recent struggles with alcohol I could easily be sorry because of the way my drinking has affected things externally. But in taking the approach of tackling it by going for God I do not go down the path of regret, but down the one to repentance and salvation. Hear my prayer God. I repent to you of my sin. I feel sorrow for the pain I've inflicted, especially on my wife. Lead me not into temptation and help me to stay on the straight path to you. Help me find godliness (and another passage that actually has the term in it). Amen.
"Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it - I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while - yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death" (2 Corinthians 7:8-10).
The difference between being sorry in the world and sorry in Christ is twofold. Being sorry in the world's terms leaves one feeling regret and on the road to death. But being sorry in Christ brings about repentance and salvation. In my recent struggles with alcohol I could easily be sorry because of the way my drinking has affected things externally. But in taking the approach of tackling it by going for God I do not go down the path of regret, but down the one to repentance and salvation. Hear my prayer God. I repent to you of my sin. I feel sorrow for the pain I've inflicted, especially on my wife. Lead me not into temptation and help me to stay on the straight path to you. Help me find godliness (and another passage that actually has the term in it). Amen.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Augustine - Sermo LI (D)
In continuing this particular sermon I found a lot to be desired. Much of this section has to do with sex being a necessary evil, even in the constraints of marriage. I don't think this is necessarily the case, but there were some good nuggets of thought provocation in it.
First, it talks about food and drink, which is particularly applicable at the moment. Food and drink are necessary to human life. Without eating or drinking, death is surely around the corner. But, he points that we are to eat and drink to live and not live to eat and drink. He doesn't condemn alcohol or food, just gluttony and drunkenness. I need to get to the point where I eat and drink to live, not the other way round. He even states that this can be an enjoyable experience, but that it shouldn't be an end to itself. This is my prayer Lord, to come to this point where neither food nor drink are driving forces in my life.
The other point that I found fascinating is his ongoing battle with the theoretical heretics. He points out that Christians can rejoice in the good news of the Gospel and of Scriptures as a whole. Christians can take the Bible at face value and leave it at that with joy. But, when the heretics (or skeptics in our time) pick holes in the Scriptures or our theology he notes, "the more you force us to dig, the greater treasure we'll find" (Griffin, 21). That's even more exciting than merely taking the Scriptures at a surface level. The deeper we delve into the Scriptures, the more Wisdom and Truth we will find. While, it may never convince the heretics or the skeptics, it will enrich our Christian life in God.
First, it talks about food and drink, which is particularly applicable at the moment. Food and drink are necessary to human life. Without eating or drinking, death is surely around the corner. But, he points that we are to eat and drink to live and not live to eat and drink. He doesn't condemn alcohol or food, just gluttony and drunkenness. I need to get to the point where I eat and drink to live, not the other way round. He even states that this can be an enjoyable experience, but that it shouldn't be an end to itself. This is my prayer Lord, to come to this point where neither food nor drink are driving forces in my life.
The other point that I found fascinating is his ongoing battle with the theoretical heretics. He points out that Christians can rejoice in the good news of the Gospel and of Scriptures as a whole. Christians can take the Bible at face value and leave it at that with joy. But, when the heretics (or skeptics in our time) pick holes in the Scriptures or our theology he notes, "the more you force us to dig, the greater treasure we'll find" (Griffin, 21). That's even more exciting than merely taking the Scriptures at a surface level. The deeper we delve into the Scriptures, the more Wisdom and Truth we will find. While, it may never convince the heretics or the skeptics, it will enrich our Christian life in God.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
First Meeting
I went to my first meeting last night and it was different. It was a first three step meeting.
The first step has two clauses that are true for me. A) I admitted that I'm powerless over alcohol. B) My life was becoming unmanageable.
The second step is one that I've already held before alcohol problems. There is definitely a power greater than me that is capable of restoring me. I didn't need a meeting to know this.
The third step is the one that I've been trying to do recently to varying degrees of success. I'm trying to turn over my will and life over to God.
There are two problems I seemed to get hung up on in the meeting. The first, is the notion that I want to stop drinking. I don't. I want to get over the alcohol problems so that I can lead a normal life and that means the occasional drink. I don't ask for abstinence. I ask for wisdom and power to overcome any bit that is controlled by alcohol. The second is the clause in the third step. "God as we understood Him". I don't want to get picky, but the "spirituality" of this meeting seemed bankrupt to me. It was like an apple without a core. There is no rootedness without God as He is, not as I understand Him.
My prayer is for godliness. Help me Lord to be godly.
The first step has two clauses that are true for me. A) I admitted that I'm powerless over alcohol. B) My life was becoming unmanageable.
The second step is one that I've already held before alcohol problems. There is definitely a power greater than me that is capable of restoring me. I didn't need a meeting to know this.
The third step is the one that I've been trying to do recently to varying degrees of success. I'm trying to turn over my will and life over to God.
There are two problems I seemed to get hung up on in the meeting. The first, is the notion that I want to stop drinking. I don't. I want to get over the alcohol problems so that I can lead a normal life and that means the occasional drink. I don't ask for abstinence. I ask for wisdom and power to overcome any bit that is controlled by alcohol. The second is the clause in the third step. "God as we understood Him". I don't want to get picky, but the "spirituality" of this meeting seemed bankrupt to me. It was like an apple without a core. There is no rootedness without God as He is, not as I understand Him.
My prayer is for godliness. Help me Lord to be godly.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Train yourself to be godly
In searching for the part of Scripture about weak and strong faiths and how they lead believers to either enjoy or abstain from foods I came across 1 Timothy 4, before finding the passage in Romans I was looking for. A couple things came across to me immediately.
1 Timothy 4:4-5 "For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer."
This quickly gives me hope that I can overcome the alcohol problem and after awhile be able to receive the gifts of God with thanksgiving through consecration by prayer. Prayer is not a strong suit for me, but I'm hoping that keeping up this blog will increase my prayer life. In essence, while it covers numerous other topics, it is a collection of prayers to God. I hope to receive everything from God with thanksgiving. This is my prayer for what my future holds.
But, the alcohol angle of my prayer life will hopefully be fleeting and transient. I hope I don't have to concentrate on this subject matter for an extended point of time. The exhortation I see in later is something entirely different. "Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come" (I Timothy 4:7-8).
I'm going to ignore the "Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales" part for a moment. I hope that this isn't an exhortation to ignore philosophy or other things I have interest in. But, I am going to focus on training myself to be godly. What does that mean exactly?
To be honest, I haven't exactly figured it out. So, what I'll do is simply study everywhere the Scriptures uses the word "godly" or "godliness" and build from there. I'll study the text and try and figure out how to make it practically applicable to my life.
1 Timothy 4:4-5 "For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer."
This quickly gives me hope that I can overcome the alcohol problem and after awhile be able to receive the gifts of God with thanksgiving through consecration by prayer. Prayer is not a strong suit for me, but I'm hoping that keeping up this blog will increase my prayer life. In essence, while it covers numerous other topics, it is a collection of prayers to God. I hope to receive everything from God with thanksgiving. This is my prayer for what my future holds.
But, the alcohol angle of my prayer life will hopefully be fleeting and transient. I hope I don't have to concentrate on this subject matter for an extended point of time. The exhortation I see in later is something entirely different. "Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come" (I Timothy 4:7-8).
I'm going to ignore the "Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales" part for a moment. I hope that this isn't an exhortation to ignore philosophy or other things I have interest in. But, I am going to focus on training myself to be godly. What does that mean exactly?
To be honest, I haven't exactly figured it out. So, what I'll do is simply study everywhere the Scriptures uses the word "godly" or "godliness" and build from there. I'll study the text and try and figure out how to make it practically applicable to my life.
Weak Faith
The prayer at the bottom of the Alcoholics Anonymous schedule reads "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference". I'll be going to my first meeting tonight and I'm not incredibly thrilled by it. It's necessary because something has to change, but I'll be honest I don't want to give up alcohol indefinitely. That is an admission of failure. I'm unable to control an aspect of myself and I don't like that. But, I'll go into it with an open mind and a hope that I can conquer this regrettable character flaw that is wreaking such havoc in my life. But, I do think about Augustine's rather funny and all too serious prayer: "God grant me chastity, but not yet". I pray for sobriety, but not for a lifetime of abstinence. I want to have a glass of wine, or a beer later on in life. I have to put on complete abstinence for a good long while, but when I travel to France or Italy I'd like to taste wines.
I looked for the Scripture about weak and strong faith to sort of bolster my hope that through a stronger faith I could once again get to the point where I can enjoy alcohol, albeit responsibly. I'm not sure what I've found from it.
"One person's faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables." (Romans 14:2). This gives me the hope that when my faith is stronger I can enjoy the occasional glass of wine or beer. Obviously, I can't have the benders that I've been prone to, but enjoyed responsibly I can do it. Because like Paul states later "I am convinced, being persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself" (Romans 14:14). I don't have the conviction that alcohol is bad or wrong per se, only that I haven't mastered it.
But, while hopeful as this is, later Paul states "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit" (Romans 14:17). It stings because I know there is a part of me that wishes to conquer this addiction to or proclivity toward excess so that I can enjoy the matters of eating and drinking. Rather than this be my focus I should instead focus on the kingdom of God, which is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. That is my prayer Lord, that I would focus not on the kingdom of this world, but the kingdom of God. But I do pray a reversed version of Augustine's silly but serious prayer, God grant me sobriety, but not abstinence. I do humbly petition this.
I looked for the Scripture about weak and strong faith to sort of bolster my hope that through a stronger faith I could once again get to the point where I can enjoy alcohol, albeit responsibly. I'm not sure what I've found from it.
"One person's faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables." (Romans 14:2). This gives me the hope that when my faith is stronger I can enjoy the occasional glass of wine or beer. Obviously, I can't have the benders that I've been prone to, but enjoyed responsibly I can do it. Because like Paul states later "I am convinced, being persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself" (Romans 14:14). I don't have the conviction that alcohol is bad or wrong per se, only that I haven't mastered it.
But, while hopeful as this is, later Paul states "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit" (Romans 14:17). It stings because I know there is a part of me that wishes to conquer this addiction to or proclivity toward excess so that I can enjoy the matters of eating and drinking. Rather than this be my focus I should instead focus on the kingdom of God, which is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. That is my prayer Lord, that I would focus not on the kingdom of this world, but the kingdom of God. But I do pray a reversed version of Augustine's silly but serious prayer, God grant me sobriety, but not abstinence. I do humbly petition this.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
A Good Person
I want so desperately to be a good person. I want to follow God and do His will. But, I get distracted (and that it saying it nicely). I want to be sober and be a shining example of God's love. But, I get stuck somehow. I don't even remember taking my first drink today. But, now I'm really suffering from the effects of alcohol. I know I drank. There is a good chance I've really messed up my work. I'll find out later. I have to confess to Erin that I've messed up. That is terrifying. What is wrong with me? Help me Lord.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
A true alcoholic's prayer
(Originally written July 1, 2012 on a scrap of paper now lost)
6 days.
Lord, it should only be 20 days to the wedding but I'm becoming increasingly depressed with the prospect that Erin will postpone. I know it is just punishment for what I deserve. But what did she do? Don't inflict this pain on her. Give her a clear message from you to continue on. Lord, root out all selfish ambitions from me. See I come to you a humble and broken man. Hear my prayer and answer me quickly. Be not far from me. Teach me in your scriptures today.
6 days.
Lord, it should only be 20 days to the wedding but I'm becoming increasingly depressed with the prospect that Erin will postpone. I know it is just punishment for what I deserve. But what did she do? Don't inflict this pain on her. Give her a clear message from you to continue on. Lord, root out all selfish ambitions from me. See I come to you a humble and broken man. Hear my prayer and answer me quickly. Be not far from me. Teach me in your scriptures today.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Praying while angry
(Originally written June 30, 2012 on a scrap of paper now lost)
5 Days
Lord, I feel the anger in me. It makes me shake. Keep me from sinning in my anger. Erase my rage, my fear and my anxiety. I lay these things down at your feet. I have cast my burdens onto Jesus. Let me take up the cross so that I may walk with you.
There is no shame in the cross. Lord, please come near me. Be not far from me for I am in desperate need of you. My shoulders are enflamed with rage. I feel hatred coming. Help me to replace it with brotherly love. Keep me from sins. Forgive me of my temptation to sin.
This is five days since since I've had alcohol or tobacco. A mere drop in the bucket, but a testimony to your faithfulness to me. I cannot do this on my own. Be near me oh my God. Teach me in your word. Have the Psalms be my prayers.
Psalm 1
Am I chaff? No, I have not been blown away. I am planted by streams of water, I am merely being pruned. Watch over my way Lord, keep me righteous and increase it for your glory.
Psalm 3
3:3 "But you are a shield around me, O Lord, you bestow glory on me and lift up my head"
3:8 "From the Lord comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people."
It's hard not to pray verse 7. I want badly for you to "strike all my enemies on the jaw". I crave it on some level. Whip my anger back for I am struggling to hold in the emotions of my heart. Forgive me if I am in sin in my anger. I do not wish to sin.
Psalm 4
4:1 "Answer me when I call to you O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer".
4:4 "in your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent"
Psalm 10:1
"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"
Hear my praises Lord as I praise you for your deliverance. I have asked of you in faith to receive Erin as my bride and even when I was faithless you fulfilled the desire of my heart. Praise God.
Psalm 146
146:10 "The Lord reigns forever, for all generations. Praise the Lord"
147
147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"
147:6 "The Lord sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground."
148 - Praises. Praise the Lord
149
149:4 "For the Lord takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation".
Psalm 150
150:6 "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord"
Praise you God for subsiding my anger and barring Satan from my mind. Be with Erin and I today. Help her to get ahold of Pastor Jack. Help us to get married in just a few days. Help us to find a counselor to rebuild the trust. Help me not drag Erin down, but Help Erin to protect me some as I am veery vulnerable right now. I rely on you for strength and refuge. But grant me this request, Lord, I beg of you. See our wedding on July 21st. I praise you for answer to my prayer. I love you God. Thank you for rescuing me. I am sorry it took such pain to bring it about.
5 Days
Lord, I feel the anger in me. It makes me shake. Keep me from sinning in my anger. Erase my rage, my fear and my anxiety. I lay these things down at your feet. I have cast my burdens onto Jesus. Let me take up the cross so that I may walk with you.
There is no shame in the cross. Lord, please come near me. Be not far from me for I am in desperate need of you. My shoulders are enflamed with rage. I feel hatred coming. Help me to replace it with brotherly love. Keep me from sins. Forgive me of my temptation to sin.
This is five days since since I've had alcohol or tobacco. A mere drop in the bucket, but a testimony to your faithfulness to me. I cannot do this on my own. Be near me oh my God. Teach me in your word. Have the Psalms be my prayers.
Psalm 1
Am I chaff? No, I have not been blown away. I am planted by streams of water, I am merely being pruned. Watch over my way Lord, keep me righteous and increase it for your glory.
Psalm 3
3:3 "But you are a shield around me, O Lord, you bestow glory on me and lift up my head"
3:8 "From the Lord comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people."
It's hard not to pray verse 7. I want badly for you to "strike all my enemies on the jaw". I crave it on some level. Whip my anger back for I am struggling to hold in the emotions of my heart. Forgive me if I am in sin in my anger. I do not wish to sin.
Psalm 4
4:1 "Answer me when I call to you O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer".
4:4 "in your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent"
Psalm 10:1
"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"
Hear my praises Lord as I praise you for your deliverance. I have asked of you in faith to receive Erin as my bride and even when I was faithless you fulfilled the desire of my heart. Praise God.
Psalm 146
146:10 "The Lord reigns forever, for all generations. Praise the Lord"
147
147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"
147:6 "The Lord sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground."
148 - Praises. Praise the Lord
149
149:4 "For the Lord takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation".
Psalm 150
150:6 "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord"
Praise you God for subsiding my anger and barring Satan from my mind. Be with Erin and I today. Help her to get ahold of Pastor Jack. Help us to get married in just a few days. Help us to find a counselor to rebuild the trust. Help me not drag Erin down, but Help Erin to protect me some as I am veery vulnerable right now. I rely on you for strength and refuge. But grant me this request, Lord, I beg of you. See our wedding on July 21st. I praise you for answer to my prayer. I love you God. Thank you for rescuing me. I am sorry it took such pain to bring it about.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Why do I seek God only in perilous times?
(Originally written June 29, 2012 on a scrap of paper now lost)
4 Days, no tobacco, no alcohol
Lord, Erin is about to talk to her parents. May your will be done, but Lord I don't want to deal the wedding. If it is possible please don't take Bill's blessing. What I need now is strength and encouragement. Teach me as I am in your word.
Isaiah 40
Lord I am like the grass. I will fall but your word will stand forever. Be mindful of how short my span is.
40:30-31 "Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength".
Isaiah 41
41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand".
41:13 "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right and hand and says to you, 'Do to fear; I will help you'"
I Chronicles 16
16:10 "Glory in his holy name, let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice"
- I am seeking the Lord, rejoice oh my heart and be not so crestfallen. Be not far from me God.
Lord, why do I seek you only in perilous times? Why don't I seek you always? I love you. I worship you. Make me faithful?
1 Corinthians 10
10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it"
Psalms 27
27:8 "My heart says of you, 'seek his face', Your face, Lord, I will seek"
-May this be my prayer.
27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord"
II Peter
Lord teach me as I read Second Peter. Grant me wisdom to apply in the future. Write the words on my heart that I may stand up to any temptation. Do not put on me more than I can bear or bear it for me because I am weak. Lord help me to increase my faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love so I will not be ineffective or unproductive. Teach me to live a holy and godly life. Help me to have the strength and effort to be spotless and blameless and at peace with you.
Thank you Lord for your comfort and peace. may I live today a holy and blameless day. Renew my mind.
4 Days, no tobacco, no alcohol
Lord, Erin is about to talk to her parents. May your will be done, but Lord I don't want to deal the wedding. If it is possible please don't take Bill's blessing. What I need now is strength and encouragement. Teach me as I am in your word.
Isaiah 40
Lord I am like the grass. I will fall but your word will stand forever. Be mindful of how short my span is.
40:30-31 "Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength".
Isaiah 41
41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand".
41:13 "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right and hand and says to you, 'Do to fear; I will help you'"
I Chronicles 16
16:10 "Glory in his holy name, let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice"
- I am seeking the Lord, rejoice oh my heart and be not so crestfallen. Be not far from me God.
Lord, why do I seek you only in perilous times? Why don't I seek you always? I love you. I worship you. Make me faithful?
1 Corinthians 10
10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it"
Psalms 27
27:8 "My heart says of you, 'seek his face', Your face, Lord, I will seek"
-May this be my prayer.
27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord"
II Peter
Lord teach me as I read Second Peter. Grant me wisdom to apply in the future. Write the words on my heart that I may stand up to any temptation. Do not put on me more than I can bear or bear it for me because I am weak. Lord help me to increase my faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love so I will not be ineffective or unproductive. Teach me to live a holy and godly life. Help me to have the strength and effort to be spotless and blameless and at peace with you.
Thank you Lord for your comfort and peace. may I live today a holy and blameless day. Renew my mind.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Drinking has consequences
(Originally written June 28, 2012 on a scrap of paper now lost)
3 Days, no tobacco, no alcohol
The deluge of pain keeps coming Lord. Numerous people have suggest that we postpone the wedding. I do not want to do this. But, I do not want to jeopardize Erin. Lord you will be done in this. Grant me the strength to bear all things.
Forgive me for my anger today. I said things alone I ought not say. Thank you for coming when I prayed. Come near me now, be not far from me. I still fear anger and resentment. Keep me from sin. will gouge out an eye if that is what I need to be pure. Lord, I'm pouring out my heart to you. My soul will be crushed by a delay in the wedding. I don't know if I can handle it. Grant me peace to weather this storm. Be not far from me. Teach me in I Peter.
I trust in you Lord, may I never be put to shame. I feel such shame now.
I Peter 2:11-12 "Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they cause you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us"
How do I live a good life God?
2:25 "For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls".
4:8 "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins"
-This is the hope I have Lord, not of you, but of an on-time wedding.
5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you".
3 Days, no tobacco, no alcohol
The deluge of pain keeps coming Lord. Numerous people have suggest that we postpone the wedding. I do not want to do this. But, I do not want to jeopardize Erin. Lord you will be done in this. Grant me the strength to bear all things.
Forgive me for my anger today. I said things alone I ought not say. Thank you for coming when I prayed. Come near me now, be not far from me. I still fear anger and resentment. Keep me from sin. will gouge out an eye if that is what I need to be pure. Lord, I'm pouring out my heart to you. My soul will be crushed by a delay in the wedding. I don't know if I can handle it. Grant me peace to weather this storm. Be not far from me. Teach me in I Peter.
I trust in you Lord, may I never be put to shame. I feel such shame now.
I Peter 2:11-12 "Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they cause you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us"
How do I live a good life God?
2:25 "For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls".
4:8 "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins"
-This is the hope I have Lord, not of you, but of an on-time wedding.
5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you".
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Psalms of hope. I believe! Help me overcome my unbelief.
(Originally written June 27, 2012 on a scrap of paper now lost)
Day 2 - No tobacco, alcohol
Lord, thank you for yesterday - your hope and your encouragement. Watch over Erin and I. Prosper us. Heal the wounds I've caused. Work in me so that she may see the change. Help me now as I struggle some, wanting some tobacco. Take the craving away. Hear my prayer. Teach me in your word as I read Psalms 33, 39, 43, 71 and 146.
Psalm 33
Here is why we hope: "May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you" (Psalm 33:22)
Psalm 39
39:7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you"
I've searched for purpose and fulfillment in so many things. Help this verse to be my constant prayer. My hope is in you. Hear my prayer.
Psalm 43
43:3 "Send forth your light and your turret, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell". Hear my prayer. Guide me Lord.
Put your hope in God. Do not be so downcast in your soul.
Psalm 71
71:2 "Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness, turn your ear to me and save me"
71:12 "Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me"
71:14 "But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more".
- Let this be true of me. Lord, I praise you with all my heart and all my soul.
71:20 "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up"
Psalm 146
Just accept this reading as my praise to you God.
I Peter 1
I Peter 1:13-16 "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy".
Grant me a greater portion of self-control Lord that I no longer bend to evil desires of my youth. Lord, continue to teach me in Mark. Write the words I read in my heart. Embed them in my mind so that I may be renewed and be full of self-control that I may give up the past things.
Mark
9:24 "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
Lord, I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief. I do trust, help me overcome my lack of trust. I do have faith, help me overcome its weakness.
11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer believe that you have received it, and it will be yours".
14:38 "Watch and pray so that you do not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak".
Lord, bless me this day. Keep me from from sin.
Day 2 - No tobacco, alcohol
Lord, thank you for yesterday - your hope and your encouragement. Watch over Erin and I. Prosper us. Heal the wounds I've caused. Work in me so that she may see the change. Help me now as I struggle some, wanting some tobacco. Take the craving away. Hear my prayer. Teach me in your word as I read Psalms 33, 39, 43, 71 and 146.
Psalm 33
Here is why we hope: "May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you" (Psalm 33:22)
Psalm 39
39:7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you"
I've searched for purpose and fulfillment in so many things. Help this verse to be my constant prayer. My hope is in you. Hear my prayer.
Psalm 43
43:3 "Send forth your light and your turret, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell". Hear my prayer. Guide me Lord.
Put your hope in God. Do not be so downcast in your soul.
Psalm 71
71:2 "Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness, turn your ear to me and save me"
71:12 "Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me"
71:14 "But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more".
- Let this be true of me. Lord, I praise you with all my heart and all my soul.
71:20 "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up"
Psalm 146
Just accept this reading as my praise to you God.
I Peter 1
I Peter 1:13-16 "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy".
Grant me a greater portion of self-control Lord that I no longer bend to evil desires of my youth. Lord, continue to teach me in Mark. Write the words I read in my heart. Embed them in my mind so that I may be renewed and be full of self-control that I may give up the past things.
Mark
9:24 "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
Lord, I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief. I do trust, help me overcome my lack of trust. I do have faith, help me overcome its weakness.
11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer believe that you have received it, and it will be yours".
14:38 "Watch and pray so that you do not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak".
Lord, bless me this day. Keep me from from sin.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Hungover meditation on the Penitential Psalms
(Originally written June 26, 2012 on a scrap of paper now lost)
Lord, I've done it again. I've sinned against you and against Erin. I've drank again. I've dipped again. I've lied about it again. Forgive me please. Forgive me. I am such a broken man. I can't do this on my own. Break me of these horrible habits. Help me to live in the Truth and in the Light. Teach me in your Word today.
Lamentations
1:20 "See, Oh Lord, how distressed I am! I am in torment within, and in my heart I am disturbed, for I have been most rebellious".
3:22 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail".
In spite of all the self-inflected wounds Judah has the Lord has not fully consumed them. I praise you God for not fully consuming me.
God's compassions are new every morning. (3:23).
3:31-33 "For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,s o great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men".
3:39 "Why should any living man complain when punished for his sins?"
5:21 "Restore us to yourself, O Lord, that we may return; renew our days of old.
Lord turn you anger from me. Forgive me of my sins I confess to you. Break me of these sins and patterns of sins and please do not destroy me utterly.
Lord as I read the seven penitential psalms take them as my prayer. I bow before you in humility. I prostrate myself before you and beg for your forgiveness.
Psalm 6
6:4 "Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" Hear my prayer.
6:9 "The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer"
I have faith in this verse. I have faith in your mercy and unfailing love.
Psalm 32
32:3 "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through groaning all day long"
Help me to break my silence. Give me the courage to speak with someone about my problems.
I have confessed Lord, forgive the guilt of my sin as you did for David. Surround me with songs of deliverance.
32:9 "Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you"
Etch these words on my heart oh Lord!
Psalm 38
My bones have no soundness because of my sin. Surely your arrows have pierced me.
38:4 "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear"
Psalm 38:1-14 really describes what I am feeling. Lord Answer me when I pray 38:21-22.
38:1-22 "O Lord, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior"
Psalm 51
51:1-2 "Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
Teach me truth in my inner parts.
Hear my prayer: 51:8 "Let me hear joy and gladness, let the bones you crushed rejoice".
Create in me a new heart, one that seeks only you. Make me true to you. Give me the strength to cling to you in the face of all opposition. Hear my prayer.
Look on me Lord, I offer you my broken spirit and my contrite heart. Do not despise these Lord, rather grant me mercy.
Psalm 102
102:2 "Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly"
102:17 "He will respond to the prayer of the destitute. He will not despise their plea".
Hope, my God.
Psalm 130
130:4 But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.
I put my hope in your Word, Lord. In you Lord is unfailing love and full redemption.
Psalm 143
143:1 "Oh Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief"
143:7 "Answer me quickly, O Lord. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit".
I put my trust in you.
Lord, I'm going to read Mark now. Teach me in the Word.
Lord, I repent and believe the good news.
Jesus, as you healed Simon's mother-in-law she got up and began to serve you. I feel your spirit comforting me today. Heal me completely so that I may serve you.
Mark 1:40 "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean"
Mark 3:28 "I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them".
Thank you Jesus!
Lord, I've done it again. I've sinned against you and against Erin. I've drank again. I've dipped again. I've lied about it again. Forgive me please. Forgive me. I am such a broken man. I can't do this on my own. Break me of these horrible habits. Help me to live in the Truth and in the Light. Teach me in your Word today.
Lamentations
1:20 "See, Oh Lord, how distressed I am! I am in torment within, and in my heart I am disturbed, for I have been most rebellious".
3:22 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail".
In spite of all the self-inflected wounds Judah has the Lord has not fully consumed them. I praise you God for not fully consuming me.
God's compassions are new every morning. (3:23).
3:31-33 "For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,s o great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men".
3:39 "Why should any living man complain when punished for his sins?"
5:21 "Restore us to yourself, O Lord, that we may return; renew our days of old.
Lord turn you anger from me. Forgive me of my sins I confess to you. Break me of these sins and patterns of sins and please do not destroy me utterly.
Lord as I read the seven penitential psalms take them as my prayer. I bow before you in humility. I prostrate myself before you and beg for your forgiveness.
Psalm 6
6:4 "Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" Hear my prayer.
6:9 "The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer"
I have faith in this verse. I have faith in your mercy and unfailing love.
Psalm 32
32:3 "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through groaning all day long"
Help me to break my silence. Give me the courage to speak with someone about my problems.
I have confessed Lord, forgive the guilt of my sin as you did for David. Surround me with songs of deliverance.
32:9 "Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you"
Etch these words on my heart oh Lord!
Psalm 38
My bones have no soundness because of my sin. Surely your arrows have pierced me.
38:4 "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear"
Psalm 38:1-14 really describes what I am feeling. Lord Answer me when I pray 38:21-22.
38:1-22 "O Lord, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior"
Psalm 51
51:1-2 "Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
Teach me truth in my inner parts.
Hear my prayer: 51:8 "Let me hear joy and gladness, let the bones you crushed rejoice".
Create in me a new heart, one that seeks only you. Make me true to you. Give me the strength to cling to you in the face of all opposition. Hear my prayer.
Look on me Lord, I offer you my broken spirit and my contrite heart. Do not despise these Lord, rather grant me mercy.
Psalm 102
102:2 "Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly"
102:17 "He will respond to the prayer of the destitute. He will not despise their plea".
Hope, my God.
Psalm 130
130:4 But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.
I put my hope in your Word, Lord. In you Lord is unfailing love and full redemption.
Psalm 143
143:1 "Oh Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief"
143:7 "Answer me quickly, O Lord. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit".
I put my trust in you.
Lord, I'm going to read Mark now. Teach me in the Word.
Lord, I repent and believe the good news.
Jesus, as you healed Simon's mother-in-law she got up and began to serve you. I feel your spirit comforting me today. Heal me completely so that I may serve you.
Mark 1:40 "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean"
Mark 3:28 "I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them".
Thank you Jesus!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Joseph Flannigan and alcohol
(Originally Written February 15, 2009 in the Journal)
Joseph: "See, me and alcohol have this symbiotic relationship. They need me to keep buyin' em and I need 'em to keep forgetting the past so I can live in the present."
Narrator: "A bit too drunk to write eh?"
Joseph: "Sure, why not?"
Joseph: "See, me and alcohol have this symbiotic relationship. They need me to keep buyin' em and I need 'em to keep forgetting the past so I can live in the present."
Narrator: "A bit too drunk to write eh?"
Joseph: "Sure, why not?"
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Joseph Flannigan goes to the Habitaciones
(Originally Written February 14, 2009 in the Journal)
An excerpt from Habitaciones
After all the revelry and madness of Cabarete Joseph decided it was time to follow his self-imposed dictum and go to the Habitaciones con Banos. When he awoke at seven the next morning he felt like ripping his eardrums out to stop their pulsating rhythm that seemed to magnify the trob of pain in his head with each thud.
"It's too early for this" he said to himself. As he closed his eyes he imagined two miniature versions of himself on his shoulders. The one on the left, clad in red and clutching a pitchfork urged him to sleep while the one on the right, draped in a white bath robe urged him up. Joseph listened to neither of his mini-selfs but didn't feel like actually dealing with his subconscious turning his actual conundrum into a rehearsing of some Looney Toons medley. He got up out of bed, grabbed some hair of the dog and showered.
Normally drinking off a hangover usually struck a nerve in his conscious, but his conscious was so overloaded by his week of flesh that this minor offense slid through the cracks. After showering he headed to Dick's for breakfast. The very smell of food made him nauseous and intensified his headache. He grabbed a beer from the colmado next door instead and drained it with a thousand milligrams of aspirin.
A taxi drove him to Sosua. A bus drove him from Sosua to Puerta Plata - from Puerta Plata to Santiago - and finally from Santiago to La Vega. He was asleep when they arrived to La Vega and almost got stuck on the way to Santo Domingo. Luckily, a child no older than five fell down in the aisle next to his seat and screamed. The thumping resulted at a quickening pace as Joseph's eyes nearly exploded from opening so quickly at the disturbance.
It took a second for him to come to the realization that he was in La Vega. He collected his stuff and exited the cool bus into hot 0 though not Sosua hot - and stale air of the city. He hopped in a cab and headed for the habitaciones. The driver stared at him for a second to study Joseph's features. His eyes told Joseph that this was the first time a white tourist had ever asked to be taken there. How one gets that from somebody's eyes is unknown, but Joseph knew it intuitively.
Ten minutes later the driver dropped him off at the place. It seemed to Joseph it was even more rundown than he remembered. The lawn was wild, overrun by tall, thick grass. Joseph wondered if some large animal was lurking in there waiting for something or someone to invade its guarded territory.
Joseph carried his things to the door marked "oficina". Setting his things down to knock the door flung open at an alarming pace. A bare potbelly with other features greeted him. There were a lot of features that Joseph could have noticed about this man - his metallic gray hair sandwiching a shiny coffee tinted head or his exotically blue eyes or the fact that this Dominican man was as tall and broad as he'd ever seen a Dominican be, but his midsection, which protruded out over his belt in a semi-cockeyed fashion demanded Joseph's first glance.
All of this stunned Joseph and it took him longer than usual to change his English thought process into audible Spanish. Just as the words escaped his lips they stopped. The steely blue eyes of this forty-something or older or younger for that matter - Dominicans seem to age either spectacularly well or the opposite and Joseph simply could not mentally age them so he gave himself a 30 year margin of error. But the eyes struck Joseph as exceptionally odd.
"Yeah. My eyes are blue. My mother was half-German. What can I do for you?
Whenever Joseph was attempting to translate his English thoughts into Spanish words and someone spoke English to him the whole thought process in his head derailed. Joseph stammered back that he needed a room for a week.
The guy seem surprised. Like the first taxi driver he encountered the quarter German, fully Dominican (as Joseph learned from the man's drunken tirade the next night) was expecting Joseph was looking for something a bit more illicit. However, the man obliged Joseph with a room for 150 pesos for a week.
Joseph sat his bags down in disbelief inside the room. The dilapidated outside of the building hid a pleasant room with a clean, queen sized bed and a table and a fairly ornate wooden chair. The bathroom, despite lacking a showerhead, was more than acceptable. In his mind Joseph expected the place to house a wooden frame with no mattress, a hole in the ground to squat over and a host of cockroach roommates. Joseph was overcome with thoughts. Part of him was relieved and pleased with his surroundings while the other - and drastically smaller part, was disappointed that he was not disgusted by the room. That part of him was counting on squalor to be an inspiration for writing.
The Habitaciones aren't quite in La Vega, an overgrown town full of factories and motorcycle mechanics. It's on the way from La Vega to Jarabacoa, a more peaceful and scenic mountain village. The Habitaciones are in a town called Jagua Gorda. There's not much there, just the Habitaciones and a couple of colmados.
It was peaceful during the late afternoon and early evening. Joseph popped out of his room about 8:30 to get a little bottle of Brugal to help him sleep through then night as he didn't have a TV or radio for background noise. By the time he had got back to his room the ladies of the night had come out. He had to avoid them with all of his might as they were even more persistent than the beach patrolling cigar salesmen. One of them, a pretty girl, was standing by his door.
As he walked up he planned his escape in his head. On arriving he opened his mouth to speak but before a single word escaped his lips she greeted him with a smile and stepped aside. The smile nailed him to the earthy pathway he was walking on. He stared at her with a goofy, yet charmingly boyish smile. She laughed and told him to have a nice evening before walking away.
Joseph, now aware of his surroundings again continued to the door. It was an awkward few steps and his feet felt like cinderblocks and his legs moved as if they were composed of jello. Like any red-blooded man Joseph enjoyed a good looking woman, but he was always incapacitated by a good looking woman's smile.
[In a gua-gua again and headed back home. Impossible to write]
An excerpt from Habitaciones
After all the revelry and madness of Cabarete Joseph decided it was time to follow his self-imposed dictum and go to the Habitaciones con Banos. When he awoke at seven the next morning he felt like ripping his eardrums out to stop their pulsating rhythm that seemed to magnify the trob of pain in his head with each thud.
"It's too early for this" he said to himself. As he closed his eyes he imagined two miniature versions of himself on his shoulders. The one on the left, clad in red and clutching a pitchfork urged him to sleep while the one on the right, draped in a white bath robe urged him up. Joseph listened to neither of his mini-selfs but didn't feel like actually dealing with his subconscious turning his actual conundrum into a rehearsing of some Looney Toons medley. He got up out of bed, grabbed some hair of the dog and showered.
Normally drinking off a hangover usually struck a nerve in his conscious, but his conscious was so overloaded by his week of flesh that this minor offense slid through the cracks. After showering he headed to Dick's for breakfast. The very smell of food made him nauseous and intensified his headache. He grabbed a beer from the colmado next door instead and drained it with a thousand milligrams of aspirin.
A taxi drove him to Sosua. A bus drove him from Sosua to Puerta Plata - from Puerta Plata to Santiago - and finally from Santiago to La Vega. He was asleep when they arrived to La Vega and almost got stuck on the way to Santo Domingo. Luckily, a child no older than five fell down in the aisle next to his seat and screamed. The thumping resulted at a quickening pace as Joseph's eyes nearly exploded from opening so quickly at the disturbance.
It took a second for him to come to the realization that he was in La Vega. He collected his stuff and exited the cool bus into hot 0 though not Sosua hot - and stale air of the city. He hopped in a cab and headed for the habitaciones. The driver stared at him for a second to study Joseph's features. His eyes told Joseph that this was the first time a white tourist had ever asked to be taken there. How one gets that from somebody's eyes is unknown, but Joseph knew it intuitively.
Ten minutes later the driver dropped him off at the place. It seemed to Joseph it was even more rundown than he remembered. The lawn was wild, overrun by tall, thick grass. Joseph wondered if some large animal was lurking in there waiting for something or someone to invade its guarded territory.
Joseph carried his things to the door marked "oficina". Setting his things down to knock the door flung open at an alarming pace. A bare potbelly with other features greeted him. There were a lot of features that Joseph could have noticed about this man - his metallic gray hair sandwiching a shiny coffee tinted head or his exotically blue eyes or the fact that this Dominican man was as tall and broad as he'd ever seen a Dominican be, but his midsection, which protruded out over his belt in a semi-cockeyed fashion demanded Joseph's first glance.
All of this stunned Joseph and it took him longer than usual to change his English thought process into audible Spanish. Just as the words escaped his lips they stopped. The steely blue eyes of this forty-something or older or younger for that matter - Dominicans seem to age either spectacularly well or the opposite and Joseph simply could not mentally age them so he gave himself a 30 year margin of error. But the eyes struck Joseph as exceptionally odd.
"Yeah. My eyes are blue. My mother was half-German. What can I do for you?
Whenever Joseph was attempting to translate his English thoughts into Spanish words and someone spoke English to him the whole thought process in his head derailed. Joseph stammered back that he needed a room for a week.
The guy seem surprised. Like the first taxi driver he encountered the quarter German, fully Dominican (as Joseph learned from the man's drunken tirade the next night) was expecting Joseph was looking for something a bit more illicit. However, the man obliged Joseph with a room for 150 pesos for a week.
Joseph sat his bags down in disbelief inside the room. The dilapidated outside of the building hid a pleasant room with a clean, queen sized bed and a table and a fairly ornate wooden chair. The bathroom, despite lacking a showerhead, was more than acceptable. In his mind Joseph expected the place to house a wooden frame with no mattress, a hole in the ground to squat over and a host of cockroach roommates. Joseph was overcome with thoughts. Part of him was relieved and pleased with his surroundings while the other - and drastically smaller part, was disappointed that he was not disgusted by the room. That part of him was counting on squalor to be an inspiration for writing.
The Habitaciones aren't quite in La Vega, an overgrown town full of factories and motorcycle mechanics. It's on the way from La Vega to Jarabacoa, a more peaceful and scenic mountain village. The Habitaciones are in a town called Jagua Gorda. There's not much there, just the Habitaciones and a couple of colmados.
It was peaceful during the late afternoon and early evening. Joseph popped out of his room about 8:30 to get a little bottle of Brugal to help him sleep through then night as he didn't have a TV or radio for background noise. By the time he had got back to his room the ladies of the night had come out. He had to avoid them with all of his might as they were even more persistent than the beach patrolling cigar salesmen. One of them, a pretty girl, was standing by his door.
As he walked up he planned his escape in his head. On arriving he opened his mouth to speak but before a single word escaped his lips she greeted him with a smile and stepped aside. The smile nailed him to the earthy pathway he was walking on. He stared at her with a goofy, yet charmingly boyish smile. She laughed and told him to have a nice evening before walking away.
Joseph, now aware of his surroundings again continued to the door. It was an awkward few steps and his feet felt like cinderblocks and his legs moved as if they were composed of jello. Like any red-blooded man Joseph enjoyed a good looking woman, but he was always incapacitated by a good looking woman's smile.
[In a gua-gua again and headed back home. Impossible to write]
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Joseph Flannigan - A letter never meant to be mailed
(Originally Written February 4, 2009 in the Journal)
Habitaciones chapter 5
Random thoughts: you can't find salvation in a woman... pass me that bottle there.
Joseph woke from his dream, feeble yet refreshed.
*I apologize to my future typist self for the handwriting...moving bus.
A letter never meant to be mailed
Dearest Angela,
They put a photograph of you in the main gathering place. You don't look too pleased in it. You have a contrived, half smile in it. You look very sad and angry in it, that look you get when something didn't go as you had planned. I know that look well, you gave me it for months as our marriage was falling apart.
I wonder what you are doing these days. Occasionally, though not as frequently as I once did, I check up on you. Facebook and blogs are such anonymous ways of emotional sharing. It is safe and dangerous all at once. I took you off mine (as I'm sure you're well aware of) - I just wanted to say I didn't do so because I was angry or hate you, but because this knowledge is too much for me to bear.
When you left me I felt relieved at first. This giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. No more threats, no more suspicions or doubts. Only one reality, albeit one monstrously ugly, universe crushing fact: you no longer love me and I am alone. I guess I'll take this reality over doubt though.
It took time for me to fully realize this. I moved from a sense of relief to a sentiment of happiness. The more I ponder on this feeling the more I realize it was just emotional and spiritual shock at the life just hemorrhaging out of my soul. My head spun a lot and I searched for ways to reassert my individuality. I lost all sense of individualness in our relationship. Whether that was from you stealing it from me or me forfeiting it, or a combination thereof I still don't know, nor do I think it matters much at this point.
While reconfiguring myself as an individual entity again I realized how many things of my own personhood I hated. There is my neurosis, my lethargy, my existential crisis at the face of my loneliness, my obsessive nature when it comes to just about everything I pour myself into, as well as a host of other things. Most of all I especially hate my insomnia.
Back when we were together my insomnia wasn't any better, it was the same. Maybe even worse. That said, it was easier to cope with because you were next to me. For hours on end I would just look at you, memorizing your breathing patterns, studying the curves of your body, watching your lips curl into half-smiles or frowns. Eventually I could gauge your morning's mood by observing your subconscious moments. Now when I wake I lie in an empty bed and fully comprehend the meaning of loneliness.
It hasn't been all bad though. You know as well as I do (or better) I always paint the landscape a more sinister shade than nature has. I don't know maybe this time I'm accurate. The world contrives to spin but I sink deeper into this hole you dug for me - so deep I can't seem to climb out or even find the motivation to do so. I HATE YOU!
(Joseph steps away for a bit)
I don't hate you. I'm sorry. It's been so long since we've been together but I haven't dealt with it. I've brushed off everything with humor. My jokes and quips have become ever more self-deprecating in the past few moths.
I still battle alcohol. I can't go into a bar anymore because I never know what will happen. The last time I went into a bar I drank until I blacked out. The next morning, or rather afternoon, I realized I had bought a plane ticket to Santiago. I figured, what the hell, why not go? So here I am sitting on the beach trying to overcome a deep sense of loss and a clinical case of writer's block. All I can think is to write is love letters to you. It's all very depressing.
I replay our divorce proceedings over and over in my head. We signed papers, had them notarized and parted with cordial goodbyes. As I walked away I said, "I'll always still love you". Choking back the tears I walked away. In my fantasies though I either express my true thoughts or you reply more favorably. You blurt back, "I'll always still love you"!
Turning around, dramatically slow I peer into your face with sadness. I sigh deeply. "Angela", I say, "you have never loved me. You used me to achieve a certain set of needs, when your needs changed you discarded me. You don't understand the meaning of love. I don't fault you for it and I forgiv3e everything. I never want to see you again - not because I don't love you, but because I love you. I would fall back into your arms again and again only to be discarded at will. I can't go through this again."
At this point in my fantasies one of two things happen. The first is you realize the errors of your ways and we come out stronger in the end. The second, and more likely scenario if I had said what I just wrote is that you spit in my face and walk away. I then leave.
So here is my letter to you. I've written hundreds of them. I never save them. I fold them, put them in an addressed envelope and drive or walk to the post office (you remember walking from the campus to the post office how we would always grab pops at the gas station and we'd always carry exact change and then that one time the price had gone up? We could only get one that time. I couldn't get my Diet Coke if you got your Pepsi and you couldn't get your Pepsi if I got my Diet Coke. We got Dr. Pepper and split it with two straws. I guess you got tired of Dr. Pepper and splitting things huh? Once I get to the post office though I can't follow through. I go back home, with a quick stop for a Diet Coke, and burn the letters in the kitchen sink.
I'll always still love you,
Joseph
Habitaciones chapter 5
Random thoughts: you can't find salvation in a woman... pass me that bottle there.
Joseph woke from his dream, feeble yet refreshed.
*I apologize to my future typist self for the handwriting...moving bus.
A letter never meant to be mailed
Dearest Angela,
They put a photograph of you in the main gathering place. You don't look too pleased in it. You have a contrived, half smile in it. You look very sad and angry in it, that look you get when something didn't go as you had planned. I know that look well, you gave me it for months as our marriage was falling apart.
I wonder what you are doing these days. Occasionally, though not as frequently as I once did, I check up on you. Facebook and blogs are such anonymous ways of emotional sharing. It is safe and dangerous all at once. I took you off mine (as I'm sure you're well aware of) - I just wanted to say I didn't do so because I was angry or hate you, but because this knowledge is too much for me to bear.
When you left me I felt relieved at first. This giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. No more threats, no more suspicions or doubts. Only one reality, albeit one monstrously ugly, universe crushing fact: you no longer love me and I am alone. I guess I'll take this reality over doubt though.
It took time for me to fully realize this. I moved from a sense of relief to a sentiment of happiness. The more I ponder on this feeling the more I realize it was just emotional and spiritual shock at the life just hemorrhaging out of my soul. My head spun a lot and I searched for ways to reassert my individuality. I lost all sense of individualness in our relationship. Whether that was from you stealing it from me or me forfeiting it, or a combination thereof I still don't know, nor do I think it matters much at this point.
While reconfiguring myself as an individual entity again I realized how many things of my own personhood I hated. There is my neurosis, my lethargy, my existential crisis at the face of my loneliness, my obsessive nature when it comes to just about everything I pour myself into, as well as a host of other things. Most of all I especially hate my insomnia.
Back when we were together my insomnia wasn't any better, it was the same. Maybe even worse. That said, it was easier to cope with because you were next to me. For hours on end I would just look at you, memorizing your breathing patterns, studying the curves of your body, watching your lips curl into half-smiles or frowns. Eventually I could gauge your morning's mood by observing your subconscious moments. Now when I wake I lie in an empty bed and fully comprehend the meaning of loneliness.
It hasn't been all bad though. You know as well as I do (or better) I always paint the landscape a more sinister shade than nature has. I don't know maybe this time I'm accurate. The world contrives to spin but I sink deeper into this hole you dug for me - so deep I can't seem to climb out or even find the motivation to do so. I HATE YOU!
(Joseph steps away for a bit)
I don't hate you. I'm sorry. It's been so long since we've been together but I haven't dealt with it. I've brushed off everything with humor. My jokes and quips have become ever more self-deprecating in the past few moths.
I still battle alcohol. I can't go into a bar anymore because I never know what will happen. The last time I went into a bar I drank until I blacked out. The next morning, or rather afternoon, I realized I had bought a plane ticket to Santiago. I figured, what the hell, why not go? So here I am sitting on the beach trying to overcome a deep sense of loss and a clinical case of writer's block. All I can think is to write is love letters to you. It's all very depressing.
I replay our divorce proceedings over and over in my head. We signed papers, had them notarized and parted with cordial goodbyes. As I walked away I said, "I'll always still love you". Choking back the tears I walked away. In my fantasies though I either express my true thoughts or you reply more favorably. You blurt back, "I'll always still love you"!
Turning around, dramatically slow I peer into your face with sadness. I sigh deeply. "Angela", I say, "you have never loved me. You used me to achieve a certain set of needs, when your needs changed you discarded me. You don't understand the meaning of love. I don't fault you for it and I forgiv3e everything. I never want to see you again - not because I don't love you, but because I love you. I would fall back into your arms again and again only to be discarded at will. I can't go through this again."
At this point in my fantasies one of two things happen. The first is you realize the errors of your ways and we come out stronger in the end. The second, and more likely scenario if I had said what I just wrote is that you spit in my face and walk away. I then leave.
So here is my letter to you. I've written hundreds of them. I never save them. I fold them, put them in an addressed envelope and drive or walk to the post office (you remember walking from the campus to the post office how we would always grab pops at the gas station and we'd always carry exact change and then that one time the price had gone up? We could only get one that time. I couldn't get my Diet Coke if you got your Pepsi and you couldn't get your Pepsi if I got my Diet Coke. We got Dr. Pepper and split it with two straws. I guess you got tired of Dr. Pepper and splitting things huh? Once I get to the post office though I can't follow through. I go back home, with a quick stop for a Diet Coke, and burn the letters in the kitchen sink.
I'll always still love you,
Joseph
Friday, August 3, 2007
Optimism in a rough patch (more rough patches a' comin)
(Originally written August 3, 2007)
Cat, Family & School (money and time)
For the last six years I have floated from place to place; physically, emotionally and spiritually I have made so many mistakes. When I seem to overcome one another haunts me and frustrates my efforts.
My family is Indiana, I am in Virginia. My wife is with me but I scarcely feel her person.
My cat is leaving tomorrow. She goes back to Indiana because my landlady despise her. Sometimes I despise my landlady, more so now than ever. Did I mention my landlady is my mother-in-law?
School is an ever present problem for me. My negligence at seventeen has rendered a college degree an unbelievably difficult task. Now I will not take classes this fall because I lack the deposit money, a measly $250.00
I can look at all these frustrations and say: "If only I had money and time then ____. But this is foolishness.
Had I not flawed for six years maybe I still would be in Indiana with backwards people and living a lie full of trivial nonsense and alcoholic stupor.
Had I not been negligent at seventeen I would have finished college at twenty-one, but I would never had met my wife.
If I had money I could keep my cat and live elsewhere. But I would then deprive my wife of time with her siblings.
There is brightness in ever dark. It may be faint and sometimes I must struggle to see it. But through struggling I make my eyesight acute and train my eyes to see the beauty in the ugliness. That is a wonderful gift that I am wholly convinced is well worth the effort, but time will be spent in achieving this end. Sorrow will be had. Frustrations will come and be overcome. I will hate and love, laugh and cry. It is only my worry that I will hate at the end and cry at the end rather than love and laugh. I have no assurance of the outcome within me, only without and within Him.
Cat, Family & School (money and time)
For the last six years I have floated from place to place; physically, emotionally and spiritually I have made so many mistakes. When I seem to overcome one another haunts me and frustrates my efforts.
My family is Indiana, I am in Virginia. My wife is with me but I scarcely feel her person.
My cat is leaving tomorrow. She goes back to Indiana because my landlady despise her. Sometimes I despise my landlady, more so now than ever. Did I mention my landlady is my mother-in-law?
School is an ever present problem for me. My negligence at seventeen has rendered a college degree an unbelievably difficult task. Now I will not take classes this fall because I lack the deposit money, a measly $250.00
I can look at all these frustrations and say: "If only I had money and time then ____. But this is foolishness.
Had I not flawed for six years maybe I still would be in Indiana with backwards people and living a lie full of trivial nonsense and alcoholic stupor.
Had I not been negligent at seventeen I would have finished college at twenty-one, but I would never had met my wife.
If I had money I could keep my cat and live elsewhere. But I would then deprive my wife of time with her siblings.
There is brightness in ever dark. It may be faint and sometimes I must struggle to see it. But through struggling I make my eyesight acute and train my eyes to see the beauty in the ugliness. That is a wonderful gift that I am wholly convinced is well worth the effort, but time will be spent in achieving this end. Sorrow will be had. Frustrations will come and be overcome. I will hate and love, laugh and cry. It is only my worry that I will hate at the end and cry at the end rather than love and laugh. I have no assurance of the outcome within me, only without and within Him.
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