A little bit of self censoring never hurt anybody

I don't normal censor much on this blog, but there are parts of journal 26 (October 12 - 24, 2007) when everything in my life was crumbling that serve no purpose reliving. It began with me justifying her actions towards me. I was apologetic for her and basically allowing myself to be the reason she cheated. In the middle I was grasping at anything in Scripture to help me get through, but I was trying to use Scripture as some magic wand that was going to fix everything rather than be my solace through a breakup. By the end of that two week period I was bitter and the remainder of the journal stayed blank for about nine years. There are things in that two week period that I don't have any desire to relive again. I relived some of it in rehab, searching to see if this period of my life had anything to do with why I struggled with alcohol. If it did, it was long buried underneath much more pressing issues. I'm not angry about the situation any more. It's silly to read the times where I was taking on the blame for her actions. The fact of the matter was that I was wronged in that relationship. It isn't fun to remember, but it's meaningless to me where I'm at now. Most of my journals will be saved somewhere in the attic. This one will be disposed of after I get the contents from 2016 onto this blog.

Diary Entry 7/14/16 corresponding to 8/13/06

It's always interesting to look back and see some of the little tidbits of journaling I've thrown in with research. Not always fun. Certainly not. Apparently, on August 13th I declared "Life is shit. It will always be shit," and "never allow hope to fill you because then the shit tastes worse than ever". I may have been a bit dramatic. It's interesting to look back because it makes me wonder what was the cause of my happiness, sadness or anger. Sometimes I'm explicit enough to know what that cause was these ten years later. Sometimes I'm vague and have no idea what caused the rush of emotion. From 2006 - 2008 I can usually assume that any negative emotion was caused by she (or her or D____, or however else I've addressed the cause of my negativity on this blog). Later on in the day I wondered if she, because she was ignoring me for at least four hours was with some guy named Brad.

It's been ten years. The pain is dead. The anger is dead. There isn't really any emotional weight left in the memory. Of course there is probably some scarring and knowing myself, there is definitely some repressed fury buried deep, but it's interesting to see (I use the word interesting because I don't know what else to describe it as) that even ten years ago, before the marriage, before the destruction of the marriage and the crushing of my psyche (I may still be a bit dramatic) I knew something was wrong. I knew there was a Brad. I don't know if she was with Brad on August 13th, 2006. I know she was with Brad. I fretted that I might lose my mind if I found out she was. I found out she was. I found out that Brad was a multiplicity. Not all of them were named Brad.

And there it is. The repressed rage. It feels like the beginning of acid reflux - a tensing in the middle of my chest that will burn up and down until my whole body feels hot. Even as I type this, my body reflexively began to clench my jaw. I was grinding my teeth before I knew how tense my body had suddenly become. The pressure above my temples skyrocketed. But, I remind myself - it's been ten years. The pain is dead. The anger is dead. The rage isn't. It's hiding, but the object of the rage is long gone. I'll push it back into hiding. Deeper this time. One day I'll unleash it. Hopefully, it will be a metaphorical release. Hopefully, it will be directed at she as I create her in writing. Hopefully, I won't sound bitter. Hopefully, I'll be smart enough to channel it comedically so it doesn't sound too mean spirit. Hopefully though, it will be appropriately mean. Hopefully, she will read it.

Going to paint. Hopefully, it will work like some antacid.

Am I falling in love?

(Originally Written March 22, 2009 in the Journal)

I feel the compulsive necessity to write at this point. You'll never read this (even if we are to be).  This is too private for anyone else. Only you my dearest Ashley can know my secrets.

Emotions stir in me I thought were too damaged to ever thrive again. I can't say I love you. I can't say anything so strong. My mind is weak but my heart is palpable. Who shall be its molder? I can be the clay yet I search for the artist. Ever searching, ever on.

I don't know why I write. I have no reason to, yet no reason not to. I move too quickly for my own good. She has no interest in me and I am unsure if I even have interest in her. She simply is - simply is beautiful.

Infatuation? Love? Interest? Love? Desire? LOVE? Lust? LOVE? Passion? LOVE?

Where are these words coming from?

You stir something in me. I wish you didn't but I long for you to stir deeper still. I have been asleep for months. You have awoken me, or have you? Is this just another delicious dream? A mere phantasm or fantasy? The world exists but reality only exists in my head. My reality hinges on my ability to discern real reality (that is existence in my head) and REALITY (that is existence outside of there). Which is more real? To me my dreams seem more real, but that also seems to be the problem. My narcissism rages and my pride fills up my chest. Humility has taught me some great wisdom at great cost, but I'm weak in the presence of kind eyes and a warm smile. I'm weak in your presence.

Infatuation? Love? Interest? Love? Desire? LOVE? Lust? LOVE? Passion? LOVE?

I write these words, do I know their meaning?

I write infatuation. The start of all relationships. Your eyes meet mine. Eye to eye and nose to nose. You turn left while I turn right? Lip to lip? Yes my joy, yes, a kiss. Love?

Interest, I scrawl on my wrist though it can be read in every line and wrinkle of my body. When infatuation can survive its infancy, though a treacherous time, it grows stronger and less awkward. A baby flails its limbs in wayward circles as it waddles across the room. So it is as infatuation swings left to right yet forward towards interest. Love?

Desire my love, my Ashley. Your pages are filled with this - you know it well! You see my hopes, my fears, my joys and my pains, understanding them better than I. Desire grows from interest - that state of heart that flutters at your beckoning. You see it in my eyes. At times I think I see it in yours, but always accompanied by uncertainty (a feeling that plagues me deeper than God himself can fathom). Yet desire stands as a deep-rooted tree in an open field - exposed to changing winds. Will it stand strong? Love only knows. Love is omniscient right? Love?

Lust, the sex of life, you know that act so forbidden, so bemoaned, so wrong, so lovely. This, one branch of that tree so easily can be swayed by the changing winds. If I had any control of my self I would cut this son of a bitch off. I'd prune it down, so many problems arise from this branch. I have thee yet I need you. Lust, a single branch that dominates the whole damn tree if you let it. At times I forget I am said tree, losing myself as only a branch. If I let it, as I have before this tree will die. I will die. Love will die. Lust will conquer, but love conquers all? Love never fails? Could this be love?

If lust is not checked love is choked.
If lust is not checked love is choked.

How many times can I write this? It matters not - I know it. My experience teaches my mind. I know this stage - I married it. She had infatuation, interest, desire and lust. No love. I was dropped for her lust of another (and four more that she told me about). My branch cut right out from her tree. I died until I realized I was a tree myself.

The lust has subsided has it not? You and I still exist. Are we for real? Am I for real? Is this reality or is it in my mind? Is it my mind or is it existence?

Love - love can't be written. It can only be experienced. It can only be lived. It must be reality & REALITY. It must be truth and TRUTH. Do I? Do I not? Am I experiencing this or not?

Some thoughts on Divorce and New Love interests

(Originally Written February 23, 2009 in the Journal)

So I found out what I was suspecting. She is dating again. I'm loosed from my chains. This marriage was a prison. The relationship had its highs and a piece of my heart will always be hers but not as my wife (my wife was not the woman I married). Like a first love, a fondness for a high school romance. That's all it was - we were just older. Nothing more, nothing less, but not insignificant.

I've written a lot in here cryptically about feelings for someone. I'm not sure if I have them or better yet, I'm not sure how rooted or strong they are. I feel freer, happier than I have in years. Yesterday I woke in such a glory that not even a hangover could have spoiled my mood. I had fun, not mere enjoyment or a lack of fain, but actual fun.

The divorce is over. It was hard, but I am hopeful. Every bit of separation I feared to be hard was monstrously difficult and left gashes though my soul and heart yet...

Yet is the most powerful word in the English language, in my somewhat humble opinion. Yet is the power we have. Life comes crashing down brandishing the weapons of destruction, yet I carry on even in times of slavery. Yet, I am happy. Yet, I have joy. Yet, I am not conquered. Yet, when these deep wounds and gashes heal I feel more alive.

There is some anger, maybe even some hate in my heart. There a whole mindset of women out their who will now write me off. There is a stigma. I wonder if she dons this philosophy as protective gear. Maybe I shall find out or maybe I am still too afraid to move on a feeling like this. I don't fear I will have a hard time committing. I fear the opposite. Maybe I'll come too strong and scare her away or worse still we'll be married and I'll find another woman who I've married is not the woman I dated.

That's an odd sentence.

A Possible Structuring of Joseph Flannigan

(Originally Written Feb 12, 2009 in the Journal)

Whenever I see the numerical code 666 in my everyday life I get nervous that I am the anti-Christ. I've never told that to anyone. I wonder if I am alone in this fear or if others share it with me.

This bus is freezing. By bus, I mean gua-gua. I'm heading to Santiago to get some Pollo Victorinos. It's been raining for a week solid. I'm completely depressed.

I'm struggling with spiritual apathy and lust issues. I'm certain the two are connected. I need to overcome one and the other will resolve itself. I should take C.S. Lewis' advice and "focus on heaven and earth will sort of just be thrown in". That's a paraphrasing, but it captures the essence.

This is fairly personal stuff I'm writing, albeit some discombobulated ramblings. There's a guy next to me in a yellow oxford shirt looking into this book reading every word. I'd be intensely offended if we (my book and I) were in America, but I doubt he can read English, let alone my chicken scratch.

Salvation ain't a woman.

You ain't gonna find salvation in her.

You are dead to her (my journal says to me).

Move on.

You ain't gonna find salvation in her.

Salvation ain't a woman.

(A Poem from Collected Thoughts and Scattered Dreams)

- Part of the unfinished book of poems by Joseph Flannigan

Have you ever tried to write in a moving vehicle on an ill-maintained road? It becomes increasingly more and more frustrating. I need to get a recorder.

I have just decided to name each of my writing journals by a woman's name beginning with A and ending with Z. This being the first, shall be called Ashley - in honor of the Ashley I played with as a child, not the Ashley I dated as a sophomore. Not that there is anything wrong with that Ashley, nor do I wish her any malice.

Dear Ashley,

You are my first, so be gentle.

Love,

Christopher

"Oh Ashley, I can read you like a book!"

Enough of the stupid jokes - I feel carsick and claustrophobic.

Alright, so I'm out of the gua-gua. I'm in Santiago at the Pollo Victorino's. Habitaciones con Banos is moving along. Chapters keep spilling out. It's nice and exciting actually. But I don't have much of a direction... Hows about some structuring?

Chapter 1 - Introduction of Joseph

Chapter 2 - Supplies shopping and flight

Chapter 3 - Arriving in Santiago

Chapter 4 - Dream

Chapter 5 - Cabarete

Chapter Z - Writing ridiculous three weeks calling it "Three Weeks of Frivolity - Rediscovering myself in a chaotic holiday to the Caribbean"

I think I've got a good thing going, I'm just unsure of how to get to the end.





Joseph Flannigan - A letter never meant to be mailed

(Originally Written February 4, 2009 in the Journal)

Habitaciones chapter 5

Random thoughts: you can't find salvation in a woman... pass me that bottle there.

Joseph woke from his dream, feeble yet refreshed.

*I apologize to my future typist self for the handwriting...moving bus.

A letter never meant to be mailed

Dearest Angela,

They put a photograph of you in the main gathering place. You don't look too pleased in it. You have a contrived, half smile in it. You look very sad and angry in it, that look you get when something didn't go as you had planned. I know that look well, you gave me it for months as our marriage was falling apart.

I wonder what you are doing these days. Occasionally, though not as frequently as I once did, I check up on you. Facebook and blogs are such anonymous ways of emotional sharing. It is safe and dangerous all at once. I took you off mine (as I'm sure you're well aware of) - I just wanted to say I didn't do so because I was angry or hate you, but because this knowledge is too much for me to bear.

When you left me I felt relieved at first. This giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. No more threats, no more suspicions or doubts. Only one reality, albeit one monstrously ugly, universe crushing fact: you no longer love me and I am alone. I guess I'll take this reality over doubt though.

It took time for me to fully realize this. I moved from a sense of relief to a sentiment of happiness. The more I ponder on this feeling the more I realize it was just emotional and spiritual shock at the life just hemorrhaging out of my soul. My head spun a lot and I searched for ways to reassert my individuality. I lost all sense of individualness in our relationship. Whether that was from you stealing it from me or me forfeiting it, or a combination thereof I still don't know, nor do I think it matters much at this point.

While reconfiguring myself as an individual entity again I realized how many things of my own personhood I hated. There is my neurosis, my lethargy, my existential crisis at the face of my loneliness, my obsessive nature when it comes to just about everything I pour myself into, as well as a host of other things. Most of all I especially hate my insomnia.

Back when we were together my insomnia wasn't any better, it was the same. Maybe even worse. That said, it was easier to cope with because you were next to me. For hours on end I would just look at you, memorizing your breathing patterns, studying the curves of your body, watching your lips curl into half-smiles or frowns. Eventually I could gauge your morning's mood by observing your subconscious moments. Now when I wake I lie in an empty bed and fully comprehend the meaning of loneliness.

It hasn't been all bad though. You know as well as I do (or better) I always paint the landscape a more sinister shade than nature has. I don't know maybe this time I'm accurate. The world contrives to spin but I sink deeper into this hole you dug for me - so deep I can't seem to climb out or even find the motivation to do so. I HATE YOU!

(Joseph steps away for a bit)

I don't hate you. I'm sorry. It's been so long since we've been together but I haven't dealt with it. I've brushed off everything with humor. My jokes and quips have become ever more self-deprecating in the past few moths.

I still battle alcohol. I can't go into a bar anymore because I never know what will happen. The last time I went into a bar I drank until I blacked out. The next morning, or rather afternoon, I realized I had bought a plane ticket to Santiago. I figured, what the hell, why not go?  So here I am sitting on the beach trying to overcome a deep sense of loss and a clinical case of writer's block. All I can think is to write is love letters to you. It's all very depressing.

I replay our divorce proceedings over and over in my head. We signed papers, had them notarized and parted with cordial goodbyes. As I walked away I said, "I'll always still love you". Choking back the tears I walked away. In my fantasies though I either express my true thoughts or you reply more favorably. You blurt back, "I'll always still love you"!

Turning around, dramatically slow I peer into your face with sadness. I sigh deeply. "Angela", I say, "you have never loved me. You used me to achieve a certain set of needs, when your needs changed you discarded me. You don't understand the meaning of love. I don't fault you for it and I forgiv3e everything. I never want to see you again - not because I don't love you, but because I love you. I would fall back into your arms again and again only to be discarded at will. I can't go through this again."

At this point in my fantasies one of two things happen. The first is you realize the errors of your ways and we come out stronger in the end. The second, and more likely scenario if I had said what I just wrote is that you spit in my face and walk away. I then leave.

So here is my letter to you. I've written hundreds of them. I never save them. I fold them, put them in an addressed envelope and drive or walk to the post office (you remember walking from the campus to the post office how we would always grab pops at the gas station and we'd always carry exact change and then that one time the price had gone up? We could only get one that time. I couldn't get my Diet Coke if you got your Pepsi and you couldn't get your Pepsi if I got my Diet Coke. We got Dr. Pepper and split it with two straws. I guess you got tired of Dr. Pepper and splitting things huh? Once I get to the post office though I can't follow through. I go back home, with a quick stop for a Diet Coke, and burn the letters in the kitchen sink.

I'll always still love you,

Joseph

A prayer for direction

(Originally Written June 11, 2008 in the Journal)

Oh Lord God Almighty, blessed is your name. Thank you for all you have bestowed upon me and for what you have seen fit to take away. Lord I am scared. I am terrified of my surroundings. I have no one here to comfort me. It is not good for man to be alone and yet, I am desperately alone.

I wish only to serve you. I know that if New Horizons is offered to me I must take it. Lord I am called to you. I am only fulfilled in your service. I know this; I feel it in my bones. But, if I take the New Horizons position I may lose my wife forever. I may not, but I fear it.

Lord if you want me at New Horizons, open the door. If you don't then shut it. I will follow wherever you lead me. Show me the path and I will follow in faith. Bless me in this decision to follow you. I have failed so often on my own and am tired and weary. Give me the strength and courage to follow you. Hear my prayers and answer me. Please do not turn your face from me. Look upon me with mercy and grace for I seek you. I seek you all day and night. Seek me too Lord, I beg of you.

A Bitter Prayer

(Originally Written June 10, 2008 in the Journal)

Lord, you are Holy and Grand. All things are yours for you have created all. Your works are known in every heart though they are only acknowledged as your works by few. Yet you extend your love to all. How merciful is the Lord of lords, the true and only God?

Lord you know my heart and mind. It is plain to you that I suffer and am in agony. There is no secret between us. How could I hide anything from you? The sins and temptations of the flesh are numerous in me. Though I am forgiven, I am still culpable. Lord forgive me of these sins and remove this self-destructive desire from my heart. I want to seek you fully.

Lord I do not know what you want me to do. I have a wife who no longer wants to be my wife. She has mistreated me and abused me. Lord, I do not wish vengeance or retribution. What I wish is for a reuniting that is pleasing to you and a love that is a witness to the glory of the Lord.

Heavenly Father I made a vow to love and cherish this woman for all of my days. I did not seek to break that vow. It is in your power to soften her heart to me. It would be an easy thing for you. Only the soft whisper of your voice would change it all. I ask with all of my heart and soul that you would have mercy on us and reignite this union. Grant us a happy, fulfilling marriage that is glorifying to you.

Lord I also ask you make it clear to me your desires for this summer. If New Horizons is where you want me open that door. I will follow you where you lead me. Please open my eyes and ears so I can follow you. I love you Lord. Instruct me in truth and wisdom so I may be upright and blameless in your sight.

The Lord came to me and said, give me your heart. I told Him it was His and I gave it freely - though occasionally it strays, it always returns to Him.

The Lord came to me and said, give me your mind. I told Him it was His and I gave it with no complaint. Though it occasionally wanders, it always returns to pondering the mysteries of the Lord.

The Lord came to me and said, give me your soul. I told Him it was His and I humbled my pride and released it to Him. Though occasionally it serves its own will, it always returns and submits to the will of its true mater, who is the Lord.

The Lord came to me and said give me your body. I told Him it was His and though I paused at the request I gave it. Occasionally my body falls to the temptations of the flesh, but His mercy forgives me of my sins and my body returns to God, to be His temple.

The Lord came to me and said, give me your hopes, dreams and ambitions. I choked on this request. My foolish pride swelled up and rebelled. I went on my own and I failed, again and again. I called out to the Lord and begged for mercy. He spoke to me in His calm, quiet way. He said, give me your hopes, dreams and ambitions and I will give you dreams you cannot even fathom. I will give you endless hope and my ambitions will replace yours. Still this was a hard and bitter pill for me to swallow. But I relented. I gave God my hopes, my dreams and my ambitions. Though I knew I would feel empty without these, the Lord has filled me to the brim. Yes, I admit my sin. That pride I swallowed tends to be regurgitated and the old fights within the glorious new and I falter. But, the new is stronger because it is Christ and I humble myself before the Lord.

The Lord then came to me and said you have given me your heart, your mind, your soul and your body. You have forsaken yourself, the one defiled by sin and death for the gift of everlasting life I have given you. You have bowed to my will. This is good. I am the sovereign Lord and for you to be justified in faith I need your all. Fear seized my body. What more do I have to give?

The Lord said to me, give me your wife, the one you love. Tears streamed from my eyes as if a river had burst a dam. My heart split in two and I fell to the floor in a heap. I prayed to God in fear and a lack of understanding. It was my very God who had joined us, who had fostered this love and now He demanded a sacrifice of it. I offered all else in futility. Still the Lord spoke, give me your wife.

Bitterly and with hesitation I am granting his request. I feel like Abraham must have when the Lord told him to sacrifice Isaac. I do not know if there will be any rams for a substitution for me. But in faith, I trust the lord my God. Trouble has been sitting in wait, pursuing every footstep of mine since I was young. When I stray to the left disaster comes. When I stray to the right calamity comes. When I step back I stumble into strife. When I hesitate and pause I am overtaken by my pursuers. Therefore, I will step forward.

My courage fails me. I am paralyzed in fear. But an inner peace, a peace that passeth all understanding stirs hope in the very depths of my soul. I pray that I do not choke it out with the concerns of my daily life and that I can keep my eyes fixed on that which is eternal. The Lord has a plan for me, though I do not know what it is. May I store up my treasures in heaven, so that I do not fall into sin by loving what I have here to the detriment of my love of God.

Lord look upon me with grace. Though you alone are worthy of my praise and adoration, what you ask of me is great and difficult. I can forsake wealth and honor, these are of no consequence to me. Though I struggle with the sins of the flesh, this is of no real importance. Knowledge I hold in high esteem, but would willingly be considered a fool for you. But to sacrifice this marriage at your feet is a bitter pill to swallow. Her love and acceptance of me was something that I had never known before. Her care for me, even as sparse as it has been recently brought me to new heights. I can endure years of torture and pain, hunger and humiliation just to hear a single kind word from her. Lord what you ask for is great indeed. But if this is what you require of me I give it. Comfort me in your Word. Instruct me in Truth so that I may better serve you.

Brief Notes on Ezra

(Originally written June 9, 2008 in the Journal)

Lord I feel deflated, defeated and dejected. The hope in my heart is failing. My strength has left me. Lord see my heart, my soul and my mind, they lie prostrate before you. Will you show me pity? Will you extend your grace?

How long oh Lord must I suffer, whether justly or unjustly? How long will you afflict me? The pain is temporal, but real. The Christian does not allow himself to be driven to the depths of despair by the ills of this world, nor does he cherish the goods of this world because he looks to the eternal and has an endless supply of joy. The Lord is joy. Halleluiah! May all men be so fortunate as I am to see the Lord and know that He is good.

But Lord, my vision is weak. I am near sighted and hampered by this world. This world is the world you have made; it is blessed by your very hand. Though we have polluted it with strife and sin, it still points to your amazing craftsmanship. Lord lift up my eyes to you. May you remove my near sightedness so that I can see your glory.

Show me the path you wish me to walk. Make it plain and clear so that even I, the lowest of minds, may see it.

"So submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you" (James 4:7-8).

Lord everyday I try to have sought you. Some days I feel close to you. Other days I feel you are aloof and hide your face from me. Do not turn from me. Your love is all that sustains me. Without that I will surely die! Lord look to your servant here and grant him mercy. Grant me clemency and pardon me of my many iniquities.

See, I walk the narrow path. I walk straight and upright, trying to swerve neither to the left nor the right. I seek righteousness, not for my own sake, but so that your glory may be magnified.

Who am I that the Holy Father, creator and Master of all, should notice me? I am nobody. I am less than that. Even still you speak to me as a son? Do not hide your voice from me, but speak to my heart and I will listen. Remove the stiffness of my neck. I humble myself before you. I ask not for riches or wealth, but only simply to hear your voice and understand your words. You are my treasure. You are my hope, my joy. I give you all that I am, a small gift I know. But, all I have is yours. Counsel me with your words and soothe my anger, fear and despair with your voice.

Notes on Ezra

Chapter 1 - King Cyrus of Persia released the Judahites after years of captivity. He sent them back to rebuild the Temple, which Nebuchadnezzar had destroyed.

Chapter 2 - 42,360 men returned to Judah from exile. When they returned to Jerusalem they gave a free-will offering to the house of the Lord.

Chapter 3 -

They restored the altar of the Lord and began to offer holocausts on it as prescribed in the Law of Moses. Then they laid the foundation for the new temple. Some cried for the old Temple. Others rejoiced for the new.

Chapter 4 -

Men of Israel came down to Judah and demanded they be let to help rebuild the temple. When they were refused they acted to stop the rebuilding process.

Artaxerxes stopped the rebuilding of Jerusalem because the men of Israel tricked him into thinking that Jerusalem would stop paying tribute once the city was rebuilt.

Chapter 5 -

Haggai and Zechariah urged the people to keep rebuilding in the name of God. When the enemies of Jerusalem learned this they sent another letter to the king of Babylon to halt the rebuilding.

Chapter 6 -

King Darius of Babylon issued a decree stating that the Temple should be rebuilt and that any men who interfered with it should have his house reduced to rubble and be impaled on a beam from his own house. The Temple was completed in the sixth year of the reign of Darius. The people then celebrated Passover.

Chapter 7 -

Ezra, a descendant of Aaron came to Jerusalem from Babylon. The hand of God was upon Ezra, who was a scribe. Ezra was put in charge of the Judahites by King Artaxerxes of Babylon.

Chapter 8 -

Ezra gathered many Israelites with him, but no Levites were found so he sent for some. Ezra and his followers arrived in Jerusalem safely and presented the gold and silver from Artaxerxes to the Temple.

Chapter 9 -

Ezra denounced the intermarriage between the Israelites and the surrounding peoples.

Chapter 10 -

The men who had taken foreign wives sent them away, along with all the children born to them.

A brief prayer for guidance

(Originally  Written June 8, 2008 in the Journal)

Lord I am terrified. My soul is sunk into the depths of despair. Anger is choking out the little hope I have for this relationship. How can all this come to pass? What are you teaching me? Where are you pointing me? Make it clear to me so that I do not take the wrong path.

I spoke to my father as I told you I would. He closed the door on Taylor pretty soundly. He mentioned Portland. I could live with my brother there. Is that your will? I relish the idea of being reunited with him, but I do not want to follow selfish ambitions. I want to follow your way for me. If this is it then make it known.

Brief Notes on II Chronicles 1-36

(Originally Written June 7, 2008 in the Journal)

Oh Lord God Almighty, look upon me with pity! See how your servant wallows in agony! My wife has left me and now the door is closing on remaining physically close to her. I see that there is a divine will for me to leave this place. I clung to her too greatly and now I have been stripped of hope in early reconciliation.

Where do you want me Lord? I think about Taylor in my head. If this is your doing make it clear, but if this is just my association with the familiar make that known too. I will go where you lead.

Today I will call my father and seek his advice on this matter. Give him your words so that I may follow you. Lord do not abandon me or forsake me. I need you to be my strength for I have none of my own. Lord grant me the wisdom to make the righteous choice and the discernment to hear your voice and know it is you.

Notes on II Chronicles

Chapter 1 - Solomon is granted wisdom and discernment as well as riches and power by God.

Chapter 2 - Solomon makes preparation for building the Temple.

Chapter 3 - They build the Temple

Chapter 4 - The Temple is ornamented

Chapter 5 - The Temple is dedicated

Chapter 6 - Solomon prays to God before Israel

Chapter 7 - God answers Solomon's prayer

Chapter 8 - Solomon rebuilt and fortified cities

Chapter 9 -

The queen of Sheba visited Solomon to test his wisdom. Many kings sought an audience with Solomon and paid him tribute. Solomon reigned 40 years and died.

Chapter 10 - Israel rebelled against Solomon's son Rehoboam and nation split.

Chapter 11 - Rehoboam fortified Judah. He had 28 sons.

Chapter 12 - Rehoboam turned from the Lord. The Lord punished Judah by raising up Egypt against them.

Chapter 13 -

Abijah succeeded his father Rehoboam as king of Judah. Abijah defeated Jeroboam, king of Israel, because the Judahites called upon the Lord.

Asa, son of Abijah succeeded him as king of Judah.

Chapter 14 -

Asa followed the Lord.
Judah defeated Zerah the Ethiopian king and his force of a million strong.

Chapter 15 - Asa removed idols from Judah

Chapter 16  - Asa sinned by trusting the king of Aram when Israel attacked Judah.

Chapter 17

Jehoshaphat succeeded Asa as king of Judah. Jehoshaphat pleased the Lord. He fortified the cities of Judah and the surrounding nations feared the Lord on his account.

Chapter 18

Jehoshaphat and Ahab, king of Israel, went to battle against Aram. They were defeated  and Ahab died.

Chapter 19 - Jehoshaphat set up judges to bring order and peace to Judah.

Chapter 20 - Jehoshaphat prayed to the Lord for a vast army had been assembled against Judah. The Lord caused the army to fight amongst itself and the Judahites took the plunder.

Chapter 21 -

Jehoram succeeded his father Jehoshaphat as king of Judah. Jehoram was evil and practiced idolatry. The Lord raised Edom and Libnah against Judah for Jehoram's wickedness. Jehoram died and was buried in the city of David, but not as a king.

Chapter 22 -

Ahaziah became king of Judah. He was the youngest son of Jehoram. Ahaziah did evil in the sight of the Lord. Ahaziah was cut down by Jehu, who the Lord had appointed to overthrow the house of Ahab in Israel.

Athaliah, the mother of Ahaziah took over Judah by killing the royal family. Only Jehosheba, the youngest son of Ahaziah was spared and that was because he was hidden.

Chapter 23 - After eight years of the reign of Athaliah, Jehosheba was named king. He was crowned king and Athaliah was killed.

Chapter 24 -

Joash and the priest Jehoida restored the Temple of the Lord and reinforced it. Jehoida lived to 130 years old and died. He was buried with the kings for his service to the Lord.

Joash turned from God after the death of Jehoida and even had Jehoida's son Zechariah stoned to death after he prophesied against him.

Joash was killed by conspirators. He was not buried as a king.

Chapter 25

Amaziah replaced his father Joash as king of Judah. He pleased the Lord but did not serve God wholeheartedly. He conquered Seir but brough back their gods to worship. For this he was punished.

Amaziah, filled with pride went to war with King Joash of Israel. He was soundly defeated. Amaziah fled to Lachish but was cut down there.

Chapter 26

Uzziah became king after his father Amaziah was killed. Uzziah fortified Jerusalem and gathered a large army to him. He was feared among the nations. When Uzziah became strong he became too proud and burnt incense to the Lord. As a result he received leprosy and was a leper until the day he died.

Chapter 27

Jotham succeeded his father Uzziah as king of Judah. Jotham pleased the Lord, but the people were sinful.

Chapter 28

Ahaz succeeded his father Jotham as king. Ahaz did not please the Lord and worshipped Baal. As a result Judah fell to Aram and then to Israel in war. Ahaz set up more high places to the gods of Aram and further angered the Lord.

Chapter 29

Hezekiah, son of Ahaz became king of Judah. Hezekiah summoned the Levites to restore the Temple of the Lord. Hezekiah had a sin offering for all of Israel prepared.

Chapter 30

Hezekiah called for all of Judah and Israel to celebrate Passover in Jerusalem.

"Be not obstinate, as your fathers were; extend your hands to the Lord and come to his sanctuary that he has consecrated forever and serve the Lord your God, that he may turn away his burning anger from you" (II Chronicles 30:8, New American Bible).

Chapter 31 - Hezekiah reestablished the prescribed order in the priesthood.

Chapter 32

Sennacherib, king of Assyria besieged Jerusalem and mocked the Lord. Isaiah the prophet and King Hezekiah prayed to the Lord. The Lord sent an angel who defeated the Assyrian invaders. Sennacherib returned home and was killed in the temple of his god by his own family.

Hezekiah died and was buried as a king.

Chapter 33

Manasseh became king at age twelve and reigned, wickedly, for fifty five years.

Manasseh provoked the Lord to great anger with idolatry, immolations, divination and spirit worship.

Manasseh repented after being taken captive by the Babylonians.

Amon succeeded him as king of Judah. Amon was even more wicked than his father Manasseh. He did not repent and was killed by his subjects.

Josiah, the son of Amon became king of Judah.

Chapter 34

Josiah served the Lord. He destroyed the high places and destroyed the temple of Baal.

Josiah restored the Temple of the Lord. While restoring the Temple, the book of the Law of Moses was found.

Josiah renewed the covenant with the Lord.

Chapter 35

Josiah held Passover that had not been seen since the time of Samuel (as was prescribed in the book of the Law).

Josiah was killed in battle against Neco, the Pharaoh of Egypt.

Chapter 36

Jehoahaz replaced his father as king of Judah. Jehoahaz reigned only three months before being kidnapped by Neco.

Jehoiakim, his brother became king. Jehoiakim was defeated by Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon.

Jehoiachin, son of Jehoiakim became king. Jehoiachin was evil and was carried away by Nebuchadnezzar to Babylon.

Zedekiah, the brother of Jehoiachin became king. Zedekiah was evil and did not humble himself in front of the Lord's prophet Jeremiah.

Babylon came down and destroyed the Temple and slaughtered many. The survivors were carried off to Babylon.

Years later, the Persian king, Cyrus, who defeated the Babylonians, released the Judahites to go home to Jerusalem.

Our father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the glory and the power forever and ever, Amen.

Thank you Lord for this day. May you continue to comfort me through the night.

Brief Notes on 1 Chronicles 22-29

(Originally written June 6, 2008 in the Journal)

Oh Lord how long? How long oh Lord must I suffer in anguish and torment? There is an anger and a rage in me that I have never known. Bitterness is knocking at the door of my heart. Where is the joy of righteousness? Where is that easy yoke? May bless me as you blessed Jabez. Jabez prayed, oh that you may truly bless me and extend my boundaries. Help me and make me free of misfortune, without pain". If only you would grant me this prayer oh Lord!

Augustine states that a good man is neither exalted by the goods of this world nor overwhelmed by its ills. My ills are temporal - it is true. And the joy of the Lord, which is eternally written on my heart overshadows these temporary struggles by far, but, my Lord can you not see the immense pain this separation is causing me? Lord see my tears of sorrow and grief and have pity on me. But know that my heart and hope rest with you. You are my rock and shield. You are my strength when I have none and my strength when I feel gallant. May not a day or an hour pass by when my mind does not think on you. Lord teach me to be this good man of Augustine, but grant pity on me in my temporal sufferings. If it is your will reunite us. Do not destroy her, but open her heart to you. May you draw her close to you in love and grace. Lord, if you will, restore us. But, come what may I will serve you in all that I do, until I breathe my last. Teach me in your word.

Notes on I Chronicles

Chapter 22

David gathered materials so that his son Solomon could build the Temple of the Lord.

David could not build the temple because he had shed much blood. Solomon would be a peaceful man for the Lord and he would build the temple. The Hebrew name for Solomon is Shelomo, which is a play on the Hebrew word for peace, Shalom.

Chapter 23 - The Classes of the Levites

Chapter 24 - The classes of priests, who were the sons of Aaron

Chapter 25 - The musicians of the Lord

Chapter 27 -

The gatekeepers, treasurers and magistrates of the Lord

The divisions of the army.

I find it interesting that there are 12 tribes of Israel and 12 months, 12 lunar cycles. Of course one could say that the cult of Israel established 12 tribes because there are 12 months, but how much easier could we say that the Lord, in His divine plan ordained 12 months to correspond to the coming of the twelve tribes (and then the 12 disciples of Jesus Christ)? All things must be considered as to God and His plan and with God there is only purpose, not coincidence.

The 12 heads of the tribes

The overseers of Israel

David's court

Chapter 28

Serve God with a perfect heart and a willing soul, "for the Lord searches all hearts and understands all the mind's thoughts. If you seek Him, He will let Himself be found by you; but if you abandon Him, He will cast you off forever" (1 Chronicles 28:9, New American Bible).

Brief Notes on I Chronices 1-21

(Originally Written June 5, 2008 in the Journal)

Lord I am so feeble and weak. My soul is in anguish. My temper flares and I hurt from longing. Why has she forsaken me? Why would you cause this to happen? What must I learn from you? Do I not trust you? Do I not bless your name? Where is the easy yoke? Lord may your will be done and may the whole world come to see that you are just and good. Lord I struggle, but I thank you for the struggle. For if I die, I will be with you and if I live I will be even stronger in you for it. May you restore my wife to me or otherwise show me your plan for me. You have my heart, my soul, my mind, my all. 'Tis a small offering I know, but what I have is yours. Comfort me in the readings today. Do not look on me in anger or disgust, but deliver me from my anguish. Thank you Lord for all you have done. May the whole world praise you ceaselessly. May every tongue sound of the Holiness of the one true God. Thank you for your love and care.

Notes on I Chronicles

Chapter 1 - Genealogy from Adam to the Edomites

Chapter 2 - Genealogy of the sons of Israel, that is Jacob

Chapter 3 - The line of David

Chapter 4 -

The sons of Judah

Jabez prayed to the Lord, "oh that you may truly bless me and extend my boundaries! Help me and make me free of misfortune, without pain!" The Lord answered his prayer.

The sons of Simeon

The sons of Reuben

Reuben, though firstborn, lost his birthright to Joseph. The king came from Judah because Judah was powerful.

The sons of Gad.

The sons of East Manasseh.

These men angered God by idolatry and were deported to Assyria.

The sons of Levi

Chapter 6 - The descendants of Aaron

Chapter 7

The sons of Issachar
The sons of Benjamin
The sons of Dan, Naphtali and Manasseh
The sons of Ephraim
The sons of Asher

Chapter 8 - The sons of Benjamin

Chapter 9 -

Judah had been carried away into Babylon as exiles.
Jerusalem still had some Israelites in it from Judah, Benjamin, Ephraim and Manasseh and also some Levites dwelled in Jerusalem.

The Genealogy of Saul

Chapter 10

Saul and his three sons were killed in battle by the Philistines because Saul rebelled against the Lord.

Chapter 11

David was made king of Israel.
David conquered Jerusalem.

Chapter 12 - David gathered many warriors around him

Chapter 13 - David brought the Ark to Jerusalem

Chapter 14 -

David settled in Jerusalem, took wives and had sons.
David conquered the Philistines who attacked him. The Lord made all nations fear David.

Chapter 15 -

David danced in the streets and his wife Michal, daughter of Saul, despised him for it.

Chapter 16

"Glory in his holy name; rejoice, o hearts that seek the Lord" (I Chronicles 16:10, New American Bible).

"Sing to the Lord, all the earth, announce his salvation, day after day" (I Chronicles 16:23, New American Bible).

Chapter 17

Nathan had a vision that David's son would build the temple of the Lord and David rejoiced at this.

Chapter 18

David subdued the Philistines and the Moabites. He defeated the king of Zobah and the Arameans.

Chapter 19

David defeated the Ammonites for shaming ambassadors he sent them. David then crushed the Arameans for aid the Ammonites.

Chapter 20

David went to battle with the Philistines again and the Israelites defeated three giants that were sons of the Rephaim.

Chapter 21

David then sinned and took a census of Israel. David was given three choices of punishment and chose pestilence. 70,000 men died on account of David's sin.

Brief Notes on 2 Kings 8-25

(Originally written June 4, 2008 in the Journal)

Thank you Lord for today. May all earth praise you for what you have done. The weather is beautiful. Tonight we go to meet with our counselors. Lord use tonight to begin the reconciliation process. Give me the strength to endure this process and separation. Give me the wisdom to speak what needs to be said. Pour out your spirit on Kris and John that they may enlighten us. Circumcise our hearts, ears and minds. Above all may you be glorified in this meeting! Grant me some wisdom from this reading.

Notes on 2 Kings

Chapter 8

Elisha told of a seven year famine that was coming and it came to pass.

Ben-hadad, king of Aram became ill and sent Hazael to seek out Elisha to see if he would recover. Elisha told Hazael to tell Ben-hadad that he would live but told Hazael that he was in fact going to die. Elisha then wept. Hazael asked why he was crying and Elisha told him that he wept for the monstrous things that Hazael would do to Israel. Hazael asked how he would do these things and Elisha told him that he would become king of Aram. Ben-hadad died and Hazael became king.

Jehoram succeeded his father, Jehoshaphat as king of Judah. Jehoram did evil in the sight of the Lord.
Ahaziah succeeded his father, Jehoram as king of Judah. Ahaziah reigned only for one year and did evil in the sight of the Lord.

Chapter 9

Elisha sent a prophet to anoint Jehu, son of Jehoshaphat as king of Israel. The prophet then doomed the house of Ahab. Jehu then killed Joram, the king of Israel. Next, he killed Ahaziah, king of Judah who was visiting Joram in Jezreel. Jehu had three eunuchs throw Jezebel out of a window. He rode over her with a chariot. Dogs then devoured her flesh as the prophet decreed.

Chapter 10

Jehu then killed all of Ahab's descendants and supporters. Jehu then had 42 men of the house of Ahaziah killed. Jehu then called all of the worshippers of Baal in Israel into the temple of Baal. He slew them all and destroyed the temple, turning it into a latrine. While Jehu did good in the sight of the Lord, he still continued the sins of Jeroboam. He reigned over Israel for 28 years.

Chapter 11

Athaliah, mother of Ahaziah, killed all the royal family of Judah to rule. Joash was hidden from her though. Seven years later Joash was crowned as king of Judah. At the coronation of Joash, Athaliah was put to death. Judah then destroyed the temple of Baal and killed its high priest.

Chapter 12

Joash was seven years old when he became king. He reigned for 40 years and did good in the sight of the Lord because he was guided by the priest Jehoiada.

Chapter 13

Jehoahaz, son of Jehu became king of Israel. He did evil in the sight of the Lord. Then, Jehoash became king of Israel. He also did evil in the sight of the Lord.

Elisha died and was buried.

Some men were burying a man when Moabite raiders came upon them suddenly. They threw the dead man's body into the grave of Elisha and fled. The man came back to life when he touched the bones of Elisha.

Chapter 14

Amaziah succeeded Joash as king of Judah. Amaziah pleased the Lord, but not as much as David. Amaziah killed the officials who murdered his father. He defeated the Edomites and captured the city of Sela. Amaziah was killed in Lachish and his son Azariah replaced him as king.

Jeroboam II became king of Israel after his father Jehoash died. Jeroboam II did evil in the sight of the Lord.

Chapter 15

Azariah, son of Amaziah, reigned over Judah for 52 years. He pleased the Lord, but did not destroy the high places. He became afflicted with leprosy.

Zechariah succeed his father Jeroboam II in Israel. He did evil in the sight of the Lord and only reigned for six months.

Shallum killed Zechariah and ruled one month over Israel. Menahem killed Shallum and became king of Israel. He did evil in the sight of the Lord. Pekahiah, son of Menahem, succeeded his father on the throne of Israel. He did evil in the sight of the Lord. Pekahiah was killed by Pekah. Pekah then took over Israel. Hoshea, son of Elah, killed Pekah and took over Israel.

Jotham, son of Azariah, became king of Judah. He pleased the Lord, but did not destroy the high places.

Chapter 16

Ahaz, son of Jotham, succeeded his father as king of Judah. Ahaz did evil in the sight of the LOrd. He even immolated his son.

Rezin, king of Aram and Pekah, king of Israel then besieged Jerusalem. Ahaz enlisted Tiglath-pileser, king of Assyria to help him. Together they defeated Aram and Israel. Tiglath-pileser killed Rezin.

Ahaz then removed the altar of the Lord from the Temple and replaced it with one that was similar to the one in Damascus.

Chapter 17

Hoshea became king in Israel after killing Pekah. He did evil in the sight of the Lord, yet not to the extent of the other kings of Israel. Under Hoshea, Shalmaneser, king of Assyria captured Samaria and deported its citizens to Assyria. The Lord allowed this to happen because Israel was a stiff-necked people and served other gods.

Chapter 18

Hezekiah came to power in Judah. He pleased the Lord. He removed the high places and shattered the pillars and cut down the sacred poles. Hezekiah never turned from the Lord.

The king of Assyria taunted Jerusalem. He tried to turn Judah against king Hezekiah.

Chapter 19

Hezekiah called upon the Lord for deliverance from Assyria. The angel of the Lord came down and killed 165,000 Assyrians and so Sennacherib, king of Assyria returned to Nineveh. Sennacherib was killed in the temple of his god.

Chapter 20

Hezekiah became ill and Isaiah came to him to tell him to get his house in order for he was going to die. Hezekiah wept and prayed to the Lord. He was healed and lived 15 more years. Isaiah told Hezekiah that a time was coming when the people of Judah would be carried off to Babylon.

Chapter 21

Manasseh succeeded Hezekiah in Judah. He was 12 years old and reigned 55 years. Manasseh did evil in the sight of the Lord. He rebuilt the high places, erected altars to Baal and set up a sacred pole. He immolated his son and practiced witchcraft. Manasseh did more evil than any other king of Judah and shed much innocent blood.

Amon, son of Manasseh replaced Manasseh as king of Judah. Amon abandoned the Lord and did evil. Amon was killed in his house.

Chapter 22

Josiah, son of Amon became king at age 8. Josiah pleased the Lord and reigned 31 years.

Chapter 23

Josiah removed from the temple all things given to other gods. Josiah removed the sacred pole from the temple and burned it. He tore down the apartments of the cult prostitutes. He defiled all the high places and removed all the priests that were not Levites. He removed the place of Molech so there would be no more immolations. He cut down the sins of Jeroboam.  Josiah reestablished the Passover. No Passover had been seen since before the time of the Judges. Josiah did away with all witchcraft and idolatry. Josiah was killed in battle against Egypt at Meggido.

Jehoahaz, son of Josiah replaced him as king of Judah. Jehoahaz did evil in the sight of the Lord. Jehoahaz was carried away to Egypt and Pharaoh Neco appointed Eliakim, son of Josiah as king of Judah. Eliakim changed his name to Jehoiakim and did evil in the sight of the Lord.

Chapter 24

Jehoiakim was made a vassal by Nebuchadnezzar, king of Babylon. Jehoiachin replaced Jehoiakim as king and did evil in the sight of the Lord. Nebuchadnezzar captured Jerusalem and carried of its treasure. He also deported the Judahites from Jerusalem. Nebuchadnezzar appointed Mattaniah, Jehoiachin's uncle as king. Mattaniah changed his name to Zedekiah. Zedekiah did evil in the sight of the Lord and rebelled against Nebuchadnezzar.

Chapter 25

Nebuchadnezzar captured Jerusalem and caught Zedekiah. Zedekiah's sons were killed in front of them and then he was taken to Babylon. Nebuchadnezzar burned the Temple and the Palace. He burned all of Jerusalem. They carried away all the treasure and people of Jerusalem. Judah was carried away in exile.

Jehoiachin, king of Judah was released by Evil-merodach, successor of Nebuchadnezzar and given a seat of honor in Babylon.

The penalty of sin is great my Lord. I deserve no less than these of you chosen people. My sin is great indeed. Look upon me with mercy for I choose to serve you every day of my life. Do not destroy me, but show me your grace.

Brief Notes on The Didache

(Originally Written June 3, 2008 in the Journal)

The Didache seems to have been written in the mid first century A.D. Its origins may be either Egyptian or Syrian.

The Didache

There are two ways: the way of Life and the way of Death.

The Way of life is this: love the Lord your God, love your neighbor as yourself and do unto others as you wish to have done to you.

If you love those who hate you, you will have no enemy.

Do not be equivocating in speech or thought.

Be not hypocritical, spiteful or show superiority.

Be wary of blasphemy.

"Accept as good whatever experience comes your way, in the knowledge that nothing can happen without God" (Early Christian Writings, 192).

Never claim anything as your own.

The Way of Death is evil. The Way of Death abhors truth and loves falsehood. You must flee from the Way of Death.

Wednesdays and Fridays are days of fasting.

Say the Lord's prayer three times a day.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, in Heaven and Earth. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive our trespassers. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for thine is the power and glory forever and ever. Amen.

In everything you do, be guided by what you read in the Gospel of the Lord.

May the Lord forgive me of my sins. May He instruct me in His ways so that I may follow Him in all of my doings. Lord look upon me in mercy and pity. Restore me to you. Make me whole again. I feel so empty, so lost. I have lost the one I love. Lord I offer you this relationship as a sacrifice if that is what you require. If it is not then I beg of you to return her to me. Watch over her and comfort her. Draw her close to you. Do not feed her to the wolves or let harm befall her.

Lord grant me wisdom from the Book. Do not allow me to substitute anything for it, but keep me in your Word daily so that I can follow your path, neither saying to the left nor the right.

Brief Notes on The Epistle to Diognetus

(Originally Written June 3, 2008 in the Journal)

The Lord is good and faithful, merciful and just. He fills my cup when it is empty and restores me to health when I am sick. Though my world collapses around me, I stand firm for my feet rest upon the Rock. Give me strength to make it through today Lord. Grant me the wisdom to follow you. May you treat my enemies severely in your time, but give me the grace to treat them with love. Lord be with her. Do not cut her off form you. She seeks that which she knows not. Though you know perfectly well she seeks you in the wrong places. Guide her aim to you. Fill her cup and restore her to you. If it is in your will restore her to me as well. Teach me today Lord that I may be more fit to serve you.

Notes on Early Christian Writings

The Epistle to Diognetus is a treatise that was most likely written between 120-200 A.D. Diognetus seems to have been a Greek official and a pagan who had an interest in Christianity.

The Epistle to Diognetus

The author starts by criticizing idols as they are made by man with perishable substances. The fact is that these gods could be refashioned into everyday, common items. "In a word, are they not, one and all, nothing but dumb, blind, lifeless things, without sense, without movement, rotting and decaying?" (Early Christian Writings, 143). It is interesting that the gods made of stone and pottery are left unprotected, but those of gold and silver are guarded. This shows that the material is even more valuable to you then the gods themselves.

The Jews, while serving the true God, make use of the absurd rituals of the pagans. If these rituals are absurd to stone, lifeless things, then who could expect the living God to see them as acceptable?

"One party, it seems, makes its offerings to creatures which cannot partake of the gifts, the other to the One who needs none of them" (Early Christian Writings, 144).

The unique things of Christians is that they live among their people, but are citizens of heaven. "They obey the prescribed laws, but in their own private lives they transcend the laws. They show love to all men - and all men persecute them" (Early Christian Writings, 145).

Christians are to the world as the soul is to the body. The soul is through the whole body and likewise Christians live throughout the world. The soul is in the body but does not form part of it. So too are Christians in the world but not part of it. The soul is immortal but must live in the mortal body, so too the Christian.

It is the moral duty of a Christian not shrink from sufferings and persecutions.

There is no compulsion found in the Word of God. He came to save us by persuasion, not compulsion.

The more the Christians suffer, the more men join their ranks.

Christianity is not the product of man, but of God.

Only through faith are we permitted to know God.

The Lord was loving and long-suffering toward mankind.

The wickedness of the masses was covered by the Innocence of Jesus Christ. The Lord set out from the beginning to exchange the Holy for the wicked because He loves us so.

God has not willed man to be imitators of Him.

"Without knowledge there can be no life, and without life there can be no trustworthy knowledge" (Early Christian Writings, 150).

Notes on Polycarp

(Originally Written June 2, 2008 in the Journal)

Polycarp was the bishop of Smyrna, appointed there by the apostle, St. John.

Polycarp's Epistle to the Philippians

He warns the Philippians against the vapid discourses of the vulgar (heresies and the philosophies of the pagans).

A man's mind should always be bent on faith, hope and love of God and Christ, and love of neighbor.

He warns that troubles stem from the love of money. He warns against loose living.

"If we pray to the Lord to forgive us, we ourselves must be forgiving" (Early Christian Writings, 121).

We must not associate with hypocritical Christians.

We must imitate the patience of Christ and if we must suffer than we ought to give glory to God for it.

Keep yourself from even the slightest taint of wrong.

What am I to say Lord? I have been made a fool, a disgrace, There is no love or respect. I am chastised for every action, for every word. The Lord has called me to love a woman who despises me. Turn your eyes upon me in mercy. Lord, my heart is failing. I have no joy in me. Why do you so easily take what I hold most dear? Lord I give it to you willingly, though I choke back these tears. My soul is in utter anguish and my heart aches with such tenacity I know not how to describe it. I see the world mocking me and jeering. There is no comfort, no solace. Even bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh is of no comfort. She causes me such strife and pain.

Where are you Lord? I call out in utter despair and do not hear your voice. I do not feel your warm embrace. My eyes well with tears and stream down my face. I am no man, I am but a lost child. When will you raise me up? How long oh Lord must I suffer? Will you allow the enemy to tear me apart? If so then give me the strength to endure in your Holy name. Make my misery and down fall so public that the whole world will know it that I may be a testimony to you. Lord how do I thank you for this? How do I praise your name when you bring ruin upon me? I offer not lip service, but genuine faith. Praise be to the Lord for He is good. Though we may be afflicted and suffer cruel injustice, we are redeemed by the blood of Christ. None of us Lord is perfect, all deserve a sinner's death. Yet, you in Christ Jesus our Lord and savior made us blameless in your sight. The Lord is truly faithful. Though all mankind forsake me, I will rejoice gladly for the Lord shall never leave me.

She is leaving today Lord. Watch over her and draw her back to you. Do not let her fall into temptations. Do not afflict me any more. Love her as you do and show her mercy and kindness. Circumcise her heart and mind and ears. May she come to see you as I do and better, for I am but beginning to see you. Bless her in all she does and if it is your will restore her to me, for I love her dearly.

The Martyrdom of Polycarp

A young man named Germanicus was martyred at the hands of beasts. He was offered out of this death on account of his youth, but dragged the beast nearer to him to speed to God.

Quintus of Phrygia went voluntarily to the slaughter, but lost heart at the sight of the animals. He recanted and offered incense to the false gods of the Romans. For this reason, and for the fact that it is contrary to the gospel, men ought not offer themselves up spontaneously.

When the men caught Polycarp they were surprised that the death of such an old man was such urgent business. The governor asked Polycarp to renounce Christ, or even just utter "down with the infidels" to be free of punishment. But, Polycarp swept his hand at the heathen crowd and uttered "down with the infidels". The governor then threatened Polycarp with beasts and Polycarp called them up. He threatened Polycarp with fire and still Polycarp showed no fear. He was 86 years old at this time. Polycarp then prayed to God as he was attached to the pyre. The fire was lit, but would not burn high enough to kill Polycarp. Polycarp was then stabbed to death. The blood of Polycarp poured out of his body and put the flames out and the crowd was amazed.

Brief Notes on Ignatius of Antioch (B)

(Originally Written June 2, 2008 in the Journal)

Lord forgive me of my sins. Do not hold them against me, but forgive me and show mercy on your servant. Today she moved out. Lord be with her and keep her from sin and draw her close to you. Do not destroy us utterly for you have united us. Is the righteous God, the Lord of lords, who is blameless and pure going to rip apart what He has united? Would He that does that which is perfect undo what He has done? Surely not. The Lord is everlasting and unchanging. Yahweh was, is and will be perfect and is the perfecter of all things. May you guard our hearts all evil and wickedness and restore joy and love to this relationship. I will follow you Lord all the days of my life. Deliver my bride to me once again Lord, I beg of you.

Notes on Early Christian Writings

Ignatius' Epistle to The Magnesians

We can only come to the presence of God in Jesus Christ by enduring in Christ all the indignities of this world while yet eluding their clutches.

You ought to obey the bishop, despite his lack of years because he is appointed by God. Do not obey him with mere lip service, but serve him as you serve the Father.

We obey bishops not because they are bishops and seen, but because of the unseen, the Holy Father, whom which knows all our secrets.

"We ought not just to have the name of Christians, but to be so in reality" (Early Christian Writings, 71).

There are two types of coins in circulation. One leads to life, the other leads to death. We must spend what we earn. If you earn the coins of God you will spend them on life; but, if you earn the coins of the world you wills surely spend them on death.

"Unless we are ready and willing to die in conformity with His passion, His life is not in us" (Early Christian Writings, 72).

(Warning against the Judaizing Heresy) The old practice of Judaism show a lack of faith in Jesus Christ. Their prophets were under grace because they were in tune with Christ.

Change from the old, which has grown stale and sour to the new, which is Christ.

Christianity ought not look to Judaism, but Judaism to Christianity.

Be submissive to one another.

Ignatius' Epistle to the Trallians

Ignatius yearns for martyrdom though he is doubtful of his worthiness. He prays for humility.

He warns them to guard against heresy, especially Docetism.

Ignatius' Epistle to the Romans

He encourages the Romans not to interfere with his sentence. "Suffer me to be a libation poured out to God, while there is still an altar ready for me" (Early Christian Writings, 85-86).

Good does not lie in what our eyes can see but in Christ Jesus.

"Christianity lies in achieving greatness in the face of a world's hatred" (Early Christian Writings, 86).

Do not have Christ upon your lips with the world in your heart.

Christ is the faithful mouthpiece by which the Father's words of truth find utterance.

Ignatius' Epistle to the Philadelphians

He encourages the Philadelphians to follow their bishop like sheep to guard against heresy.

"Those who wander in outlandish byways of doctrine must forfeit all part in the Lord's passion" (Early Christian Writings, 94). Ignatius places heavy emphasis on doctrine, but also on practicing what that doctrine is. To him, empty words or lip-service is as deadly as the heresy itself.

God does not dwell where there is disunity or bad blood.

Christ is the doorstep to the Father.

Ignatius' Epistle to the Smyraneans

He calls the Church of Smyrna to be unified in Christ: Jews and Gentiles alike.

He warns against Docetic beliefs. He implores them to acknowledge the flesh and blood birth, life, death and resurrection of Christ Jesus. He claims that if what Christ did was merely an illusion than his own claims must be illusionary as well.

Christ gives us strength.

He urges them to pray for those who have fallen prey to Doceticism so that they can have a better frame of mind to accept Christ Jesus.

Faith and love are everything; they must come before all.

Endure all things for Christ's sake and you will attain to Him in the end.

Ignatius' Epistle to Polycarp

There is no more important task to the bishops than unity.

Spend time in constant prayer, begging for wisdom.

"The heavier the labor, the richer the reward" (Early Christian Writings, 109).

The mark of a champion is to be able to stand in the face of punishment and still come off victorious. It is our duty to accept trails of all kinds if we are to be accepted by the Lord.

The honor God should be the aim in everything you do.

"A Christian, after all is not his own master; he puts his time at God's disposal" (Early Christian Writings, 111).

Brief Notes on Clement of Rome (A)

(Originally Written May 31, 2008 in the Journal)

Praise the Lord for today because this is the day that the Lord has made. May all of heaven and earth proclaim your holy name and may your glory be acknowledged throughout all time! There is no God but the one true God, the God of Jacob! Praise the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Praise you for the beauty of the earth, the birds of the sky and the fish of the deep. Praise you for all things good and praise you for even the troubles that have befallen me because they have drawn me nearer to you.
I was thinking on the words of Rob Bell in Velvet Elvis. He talked of faith like a trampoline vs. faith like a wall. When you have faith like a trampoline then doctrine is the springs that propel you upwards toward God. When you have faith like a wall each doctrine fits in a certain place and if you remove one, the wall starts to crumble. He talked of a man who said if you deny the literal seven day creation you deny the resurrection of Jesus Christ. This seems false and destructive. But, I believe doctrine is vital to Christianity.

To deny the literalism of creation is not to deny the resurrection of Christ. But to deny the validity of any passage of the Bible is to reject the Word of God. You cannot deny any part of the Bible as valid and be Christian. A passage may be taken as poetic or figurative or literal, but it is valid always. You cannot make piecemeal of the Scriptures. Doctrine is man's interpretation of Scriptures and thus, fallible, where the Scriptures are not. But the Lord has endowed us with reason and we must make proper use of it.

Thank you Lord for today! I picked up the Penguin Classics Early Christian Writings today and will be reading it in conjunction with Bible readings.

Notes on Early Christian Writings

Clement of Rome

Clement seems to have been the fourth bishop of Rome, following Peter, Linus and Anencletus. The date of Clement's epistle to the Corinthians seems to have been written around 96 A.D. The letter shows Clement's extensive knowledge of the Scriptures, which as a Gentile, meant the Septuagint. He also shows a strong familiarity of the books that became the New Testament. He writes of harmony and draws also on Stoic Philosophy. While he combines the Hebrew Scriptures with Stoic philosophy, he subordinates Stoic Philosophy to Christian vision. Clement also uses strong Trinitarian language, much stronger than found in the New Testament.

1 Clement

Clement praises the Corinthian church for how they used to act. "Always you were ready for any deed of goodness...whatever you did was done in fear of God" (Early Christian Writings, 24).

The Clement extols them for having fallen back to their evil ways. They have traded folly for wisdom. "All have fallen back into the horrid sin of envy - the sin that brought death into the world" (Early Christian Writings, 24).

He encourages them to turn from envy and follow the examples of Peter and Paul. He reminds them that many of the elect have been tormented by envy and had to fight it unto their very deaths. He warns them that envy has ruined marriages and overthrown cities and nations. He tells them to turn from envy and reflect on the preciousness of the Blood of Christ, which is an outpouring of salvation and has opened grace of repentance to mankind.

The Lord always opens up the chance for man to repent. It is never too late.

The Lord never forsakes those who place their hope in Him, but puts pain and penalty on those who rebel against Him.

He calls on them to be humble and show forgiveness.

"Christ belongs to the lowly of heart" (Early Christian Writings, 29).

He tells them that humility is always found in the great men of God: in Elisha, in Elijah, in Job, in Ezekiel, in David and even in Christ, all of whom had reason to be proud.

He encourages them to aim to achieve the tranquility of which we were made to be in. He states even nature operates in harmony with itself: night and day, the seasons. These fulfill God's plans for them.

He tells them to respect those who God has set over them. He says to teach the children in Christian thought.

He reminds them that mercy will be shown to those who set their hopes on the Lord.

He warns them not to doubt the resurrection because there is evidence of the resurrection all around them.

He tells them that, "untruth is the only thing that is impossible to God" (Early Christian Writings, 34).

He reminds them that there is nothing that the Lord does not see or hear.

He calls on the Corinthians to give up everything that is opposed to God because they are God's chosen portion.

He reminds them that God rewards faith and that they are justified by faith.

He tells us that though we are justified by faith we ought to strive to good works because the Lord himself delights in working.

The Lord has mad man in His own image and blessed him, commanding man to increase and multiply.

We must put forth all our effort into the work of righteousness.

We must wait in patience for the Lord and He will bestow the greatness and beauty of His gifts upon us.

Men who do things that are detestable are held in detestation by the Lord. Not only this, but men who consent to these things are held in detestation.

Brief Notes on I Kings 1-8

(Originally Written May 30, 2008 in the Journal)

Notes on I Kings

Chapter 1

David was old and his son Adonijah was rallying to be king, but Zadok the priest, Nathan the prophet, and the army did not support him. David announced however that Solomon would be king because he had sworn an oath to make Bathsheba's offspring the king. Adonijah fled in terror, but King Solomon spared him.

Chapter 2

David instructed Solomon in his last words. David died and had reigned 40 years over Israel. Solomon had his brother Adonijah put to death because he asked for one of David's concubines. Solomon then deposed Abiathar the priest for siding with Adonijah, thus fulfilling the prophecy that the house of Eli wo8uld be removed from the priesthood for the wickedness of Eli's sons and Eli's reluctance to admonish them.

Solomon then had Abner killed for the murder of the generals of Israel and Judah. David had promised Abner he would not be punished while he was still alive, but Solomon fulfilled the avengement of innocent blood. Solomon then told Shimei that he must stay in Jerusalem for cursing David. When Shimei left he was put to death.

Chapter 3

Solomon married the daughter of Pharaoh to ally himself with Egypt.

The Lord appeared to Solomon in a dream and granted him a request. Solomon asked for an understanding heart to distinguish right from wrong. The Lord gave it to him and also riches and glory and said he would give him long life as well, if Solomon obeyed the Lord.

Two women came before the king arguing over a live child and a dead child. Both said the live one was theirs. Solomon proposed to have the child cut in two and give half to each. The child's real mother begged Solomon to give the child to the other woman to spare its life, but Solomon gave it to her because he knew she was the mother.

Chapter 4

Solomon split the nation into 12 parts for administrative purposes.

Chapter 5

Solomon grew famous and men from all over came to hear him speak. Solomon had lumber imported from Lebanon to build the Temple of the Lord.

Chapter 6

Solomon built the temple and filled it with gold. It took seven years to build the temple.

Chapter 7

It took 13 years to build Solomon's palace. Solomon had the temple's interior decked out in bronze and gold. He also brought in items David had collected for it.

Chapter 8

The temple was consecrated and the ark was brought in. The Lord came to the Temple. Solomon then prayed.

Lord, I ask you to do as Solomon asked. Lord, I have sinned and turned away from you. But I come now before you humble and contrite. I am broken and praise your name for that brokenness. Lord grant my prayer. Do not turn away from me. Save my marriage. Restore my wife to me. I will praise your name forever and forever regardless, but do not let this pain rest permanently on my heart. Do not shame me so severely. Look on me with kindness and restore her to me. Lord I ask for so much and offer so little. I offer you all I have though. Please, I beg of you, answer this prayer.