A Bitter Prayer

(Originally Written June 10, 2008 in the Journal)

Lord, you are Holy and Grand. All things are yours for you have created all. Your works are known in every heart though they are only acknowledged as your works by few. Yet you extend your love to all. How merciful is the Lord of lords, the true and only God?

Lord you know my heart and mind. It is plain to you that I suffer and am in agony. There is no secret between us. How could I hide anything from you? The sins and temptations of the flesh are numerous in me. Though I am forgiven, I am still culpable. Lord forgive me of these sins and remove this self-destructive desire from my heart. I want to seek you fully.

Lord I do not know what you want me to do. I have a wife who no longer wants to be my wife. She has mistreated me and abused me. Lord, I do not wish vengeance or retribution. What I wish is for a reuniting that is pleasing to you and a love that is a witness to the glory of the Lord.

Heavenly Father I made a vow to love and cherish this woman for all of my days. I did not seek to break that vow. It is in your power to soften her heart to me. It would be an easy thing for you. Only the soft whisper of your voice would change it all. I ask with all of my heart and soul that you would have mercy on us and reignite this union. Grant us a happy, fulfilling marriage that is glorifying to you.

Lord I also ask you make it clear to me your desires for this summer. If New Horizons is where you want me open that door. I will follow you where you lead me. Please open my eyes and ears so I can follow you. I love you Lord. Instruct me in truth and wisdom so I may be upright and blameless in your sight.

The Lord came to me and said, give me your heart. I told Him it was His and I gave it freely - though occasionally it strays, it always returns to Him.

The Lord came to me and said, give me your mind. I told Him it was His and I gave it with no complaint. Though it occasionally wanders, it always returns to pondering the mysteries of the Lord.

The Lord came to me and said, give me your soul. I told Him it was His and I humbled my pride and released it to Him. Though occasionally it serves its own will, it always returns and submits to the will of its true mater, who is the Lord.

The Lord came to me and said give me your body. I told Him it was His and though I paused at the request I gave it. Occasionally my body falls to the temptations of the flesh, but His mercy forgives me of my sins and my body returns to God, to be His temple.

The Lord came to me and said, give me your hopes, dreams and ambitions. I choked on this request. My foolish pride swelled up and rebelled. I went on my own and I failed, again and again. I called out to the Lord and begged for mercy. He spoke to me in His calm, quiet way. He said, give me your hopes, dreams and ambitions and I will give you dreams you cannot even fathom. I will give you endless hope and my ambitions will replace yours. Still this was a hard and bitter pill for me to swallow. But I relented. I gave God my hopes, my dreams and my ambitions. Though I knew I would feel empty without these, the Lord has filled me to the brim. Yes, I admit my sin. That pride I swallowed tends to be regurgitated and the old fights within the glorious new and I falter. But, the new is stronger because it is Christ and I humble myself before the Lord.

The Lord then came to me and said you have given me your heart, your mind, your soul and your body. You have forsaken yourself, the one defiled by sin and death for the gift of everlasting life I have given you. You have bowed to my will. This is good. I am the sovereign Lord and for you to be justified in faith I need your all. Fear seized my body. What more do I have to give?

The Lord said to me, give me your wife, the one you love. Tears streamed from my eyes as if a river had burst a dam. My heart split in two and I fell to the floor in a heap. I prayed to God in fear and a lack of understanding. It was my very God who had joined us, who had fostered this love and now He demanded a sacrifice of it. I offered all else in futility. Still the Lord spoke, give me your wife.

Bitterly and with hesitation I am granting his request. I feel like Abraham must have when the Lord told him to sacrifice Isaac. I do not know if there will be any rams for a substitution for me. But in faith, I trust the lord my God. Trouble has been sitting in wait, pursuing every footstep of mine since I was young. When I stray to the left disaster comes. When I stray to the right calamity comes. When I step back I stumble into strife. When I hesitate and pause I am overtaken by my pursuers. Therefore, I will step forward.

My courage fails me. I am paralyzed in fear. But an inner peace, a peace that passeth all understanding stirs hope in the very depths of my soul. I pray that I do not choke it out with the concerns of my daily life and that I can keep my eyes fixed on that which is eternal. The Lord has a plan for me, though I do not know what it is. May I store up my treasures in heaven, so that I do not fall into sin by loving what I have here to the detriment of my love of God.

Lord look upon me with grace. Though you alone are worthy of my praise and adoration, what you ask of me is great and difficult. I can forsake wealth and honor, these are of no consequence to me. Though I struggle with the sins of the flesh, this is of no real importance. Knowledge I hold in high esteem, but would willingly be considered a fool for you. But to sacrifice this marriage at your feet is a bitter pill to swallow. Her love and acceptance of me was something that I had never known before. Her care for me, even as sparse as it has been recently brought me to new heights. I can endure years of torture and pain, hunger and humiliation just to hear a single kind word from her. Lord what you ask for is great indeed. But if this is what you require of me I give it. Comfort me in your Word. Instruct me in Truth so that I may better serve you.