(Originally written August 6, 2006 in Book 5)
There is enough of left of this book to state anything uber serious so I'm just gonna recap my life recently. Firstly, the wedding is coming up in 90 days. 90 days and I'm going to be married. Wow. I'm nervous, excited and scared that things aren't fully planned yet.
Recently I've been struggling a lot with her past, specifically B___. I know in my head it's in the past. Why can't my heart come to the same conclusion. It's tough. My body gets all tense and I get this sick feeling in my stomach every time I think about it. I'm not sure what to do about it. The feelings are very acute and don't last very long. They don't come often, but it is painful, extremely painful, when they do. It makes me sick and I get this weird feeling in my shoulders. The amazing thing is that the sound of her voice is what gets me through the pain when I'm at work. It's the touch of her that gets me through when I'm at home. Love is a funny thing you know?
Secondly, we have a friend of hers staying with us at the apartment. She is in college and had to leave an abusive home situation. It's really sad to see families torn apart. It's my solemn promise to never produce a home that is abusive and to protect it from all forms abuse.
This brings me to the subject of children. I'm nervous and anxious about how she is going to handle a pregnancy. I'm also scared that she might have another miscarriage. I hope and pray that she will be blessed with the strength to handle it and that she will be spared any more heartache. I ask also for the strength to support her as best as I can.
I don't know when we are going to start having kids. I don't want to wait a long time. I mean if we wait until our bachelor's degrees are done then it is two years. If we go to the Dominican then there's another two years. That makes us like 26 or 27, meaning we are like 44 or 45 when they finish high school. That makes me nervous if we have four or five kids because we'll be somewhere between 50 & 60 when they youngest graduates. I guess I don't have to worry about this too much now.
I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I get very distracted in my studies. It's only been two years that I've really pursued reading for my own works, but last year at this time I had a hard time focusing. I'm ready for school I guess.
I've been painting a lot recently. I don't know why. It seems to be my passion-do-jour.
I hate this job. The hours are horrible. Friday 4pm - 8am. Saturday 4pm - 10pm. Sunday 4pm - 8 am. But we desperately need the cash. I'm struggling so bad with debt. I'm trying so hard but I can't seem to break through. I hope she can pick up a couple of weddings or senior portrait clients. That would be great for us financially and I know she'd enjoy it a lot. She is truly a gifted artist, but she lacks confidence right now. I think if she made some money doing this stuff it would really boost her confidence.
Well, it looks as if this book is coming to an end. I hope I can focus myself well enough to finish my two current projects. I am attempting to write a fiction book called "Project Utopia" and a book on my metaphysical beliefs. I really want to accomplish these goals, but I am already losing interest in the projects. I pray for persistence, something I really lack.
As I come to the end of another notebook where do I stand? I am understanding more and more philosophy but am I making a difference in anything? I wonder if I will ever accomplish anything in the realm of philosophy. I wonder if I will ever finish what I start. I have so many questions and I do not know if I will ever get the answers. Can I be content with God and what He provides for me? I hope so because that is all I can ever hope for.
End of Book 5: 7/16/06 - 8/6/06
Bertrand Russell's History of Western Philosophy is continued in Book VII on page 19.
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