Augustine of Hippo - Sermo LI (A)

So begins again my intellectual pursuits and as they entangle (rightly so) with the pursuit of God. My discipline in both of these as of late has been lacking. But, I will return with gusto (for now) in both and I pray that I can impose a self-discipline now at 31 that was imposed upon me in my early years by others. In short, it's time to grow up and pursue things appropriate to my age. This scares me and I still cling to the frivolous pleasures of my youth - video games, copious amounts of alcohol, tobacco and a general lack of focus that has plagued me for a long while but is now rearing up in formidable fashion. What always compounds them though is my inherent and childish way of hiding these things and lying to cover up my trips into excess. These then have caused me numerous problems before and I have sworn things off time and time again (though in more private settings).  But, it could be worse right? I could have sworn things off to all of my friends and quasi-friends and acquaintances from yesteryear via Facebook. Here at least, I'm swearing moderation to anonymity (or as I stated in my first post, to my later self as the only reader of this blog).

I fear at 31 now I have long denied myself of becoming an adult for fear of losing who I am. I don't necessarily want to be a man-child, but I want to still have enjoyment - even the mindless kind. I have this general malaise about being an adult. Maybe it is a fear of a greater responsibility; maybe it is a fear of the unknown. Maybe it is something else entirely that I haven't yet thought of. Either way when I think of growing up I come to a verse that really scares me:

 1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways, behind me."

I have become a man. I've accepted, at least in theory manhood. I have a pretty good job and it is career oriented. It's too many hours, but I'm putting in the groundwork for something better. More importantly, I've convinced somebody that I am not only a man, but a man worth marrying. We've been married now for over two years. Unfortunately, I have not yet put my childish ways behind me. I still reason like a child - I lie to cover up my faults. My faults are bad enough, the lying redoubles the sin.

But, things are beginning again anew (or I'm attempting the reset) and so I started with Augustine and his works. I could've gone with City of God or Confessions, but instead I started with "Sermons to The People" translated by William Griffin because it's less daunting. I want to build up a head of steam moving into this new venture so I can accomplish something and feel spurred on by it. I'm praying for Discipline; I haven't yet achieved it.

I worked a little bit later than I had intended last night so I was only able to read the foreword and a section of Sermo LI. But a couple phrases in the small bit of Sermo LI stood out to me.

First, Augustine is noting that the church is less full on this occasion because it's not a feast day on the liturgical calendar, just a normal day and it's "right smack in the middle of the December gladiatorial schedule" (Griffin, 4). He goes on to note that while he could pound the skipping parishioners for choosing entertainment over coming to church he instead notes that they should pray for both the present and absent congregations' sake without any distraction.

Smack in the middle of December I am at my busiest with work. I barely felt the Christmas season at all. I knew something was wrong and it may have sparked my most recent battle with alcohol. Or it could be that I am rewriting my own history in hindsight. But, I (and most modern people) live a busy life and the exhortation to "pray to God without distractions of any kind" (Griffin, 5) is something that I need to take to heart.

He goes on with the gladiator games theme to say how the spectators always come out of the games in sorrow. First, they come out bad if their favorite loses. Second, they come out worse if there favorite has won. But the worst outcome is this "Worst, they'd be thrice beaten; addicted to the amphitheater, enmeshed in Vain Joy, impaled on the trident of Cheap Greed" (Griffin, 8). I feel after reading this passage, thrice beaten - addicted to the games that bring me momentary pleasure but end up impaling me with my own shortsightedness. But, Augustine offers hope nonetheless. He goes on to state that many of those in the congregation had chosen church over the games and thus defeated the temptation and the Devil himself. This is possible only because Christ had allowed himself to be tempted by the Devil and had overcome him. As followers of Christ it is possible to overcome temptation and the Devil, and the proof was the congregation present that day. That is hopeful.