(Originally written April 24, 2006 in Book 1)
I. Philosophy
I agree with Hegel when he calls philosophy "the service of God" but not much else. I am indebted to Bertrand Russell for igniting the fire of philosophy that now burns inside me, though I scarcely agree with a word he says. Nietzsche, from whom I borrowed the title strikes me somewhat with a stick of fear. Every philosopher I have read seems to have an inkling of truth, a glimmer of knowledge and a mess of errant beliefs. I fear deeply that I will be remembered, if I am remembered at all in this same light.
Philosophy has not provided me with any answers, only questions. I can scarce remember a time when I was not perplexed by some haunting question. Philosophy has spun me round and round, if I lift my arms I would soar like a helicopter; however, I can't be sure my arms truly exist. Therefore, I spin as a screw and am neck-deep in the ground.
Where do I turn for guidance? If I look to my perceptions then I am doomed to perceive only appearances and not true reality, if there is such a thing. I can turn to God, but if I cannot be sure what I see is real, how can I be sure what I cannot see is any more real?
Questions haunt me deeply and I fear I will never be able to answer them, let alone rid myself of them. The few answers I have found have created more complex and pressing questions. While I have philosophized only a short while now, I feel have stepped into some never ending nightmarish carousel of doom.
What saving grace have I? Faith, hope, perseverance are my rescue. Jesus Christ is my rescuer. Of this, I have no doubt. My faith need not be validated to assure salvation, but validation seems to be the only way to ease my mind. It is ironic that to ease my mind I must first vex it.
Questions and answers, answers and questions - this is my life now. It is true that I have chosen philosophy, but the more I learn of it, the less certain I am of that choice. The deeper I delve, the more I see that philosophy has actually chosen me.
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