I dream of love

(Originally Written February 18, 2009 in the Journal)

Late at night I sit in my bed wishing to sleep. I scrawl this out, possibly a short story, possibly just for you Ashley.

Me: Can I ask you a question?
You: Sure, go ahead.
Me: Do you think I'm damaged goods?
You: (laughing) What does that mean?
Me: You know, I'm 25 and divorced. I couldn't make the marriage last. From the perspective of a woman... am I damaged goods?
You: Wow, that's a hard question. I mean, I know you; I know your story. I don't really understand how you feel, but I wouldn't say it's all your fault.
Me: (thinking: a classic dodge/stroke my ego a bit, thanks. I love the effort, but don't fully buy it). But if you were looking for a husband, I mean we're not old but were at that age when everyone says, 'When, I wonder when they're gonna get married...' I mean - - not you and I, but generally speaking...not that I wouldn't marry you but you know (nervous laughter) [my head implodes a bit, did you just realize I love you?]
You: (laughing) Oh so you don't want to marry me, or do you? If you don't, that hurts Chris.

A long pause happens. Both Ashley and I feel uncomfortable with the silence. We've been friends now for almost a year and working in such a close knit environment makes it feel like it's been even longer. The uncomfortable pause breaks with her voice.

You: Chris, you know I don't like you like that... I like Steve.

There's an awkward laugh because this line is drawn directly from our skit from a few months back. But, somewhere along the way I realized that I do like you like that. You're attractive - your red hair/infectious smile, your alarming sense of humor coupled with your deeper than expected laugh, the way you hug me or run your fingers through my hair, all these things you've done subconsciously as just a part of your being - your beautiful irresistible personality. My God I love you! You have no idea of what kind of effect you've had on me. The impact is deep. I married her because she gave me affection/she gave me love (however shallow it may have been), a sense of love I'd never felt before. I groan for it everyday (you give it to me). Do you do it on purpose? We click so well... but do I like you? Do I love you? I'm so fucking confused. [I wish I could tell you this/I'm free enough to express my feelings right now]. I think I love you but it's just so soon. My divorce was only a few months ago, but I separated a year and a half ago and my marriage was a sham. In two years I had a wife for two weeks - maybe (probably) less. I feel so alone and you my darling are the only woman who has shown me genuine (and I assume not totally platonic) affection since my dating years over four years ago - a lifetime for me. I don't know, every time we're alone I feel like we're a couple but when we're in a group we're brother and sister/ more like step-brother and step-sister/kind of like a Greg & Marsha... a bit of sexual tension (at least in my mind).

By the way, Steve is asleep beside me on the couch. He's the one I blame for making me realize I love you. He planted the seed. I only looked at you as the coolest girl I know/but he ... he said we looked good. He said it over and over and over until I said, maybe? Just maybe? You, you obviously are out of my league. Sure I'm self-deprecating, self-loathing and yet overly sure of myself, but look at you and look at me.

I can't answer your quip. I can't answer your joke. It would require realness. It would require me to allow you to see my feelings (weakness for you). Why is it that I fall deeper in love with you as I talk this out? Though I've imploded before I explode in my mind this time. Too much stimulation. I see two mutually exclusive outcomes to this.

(As a side note this is to E.A. You'll either be E.L. someday or I'll block your memory because it'll be too painful).

I love you. I think I love you. That Terrifies me.

Two scenarios: We're gonna kiss or you're gonna break my heart.

You: It would be hard to be involved with a divorced man. Plus, we're great friends. I wouldn't want to jeopardize that.
Me: I know right, what could we do?
You: I just don't think I'm interested in you.
Me: Thanks for preemptively shutting me down. This conversation has been most enlightening (my heart is breaking). You know... life is real... not every story comes with a happy ending. [rejection. again.]

My mind was so busy. I was so preoccupied that I didnt' realize that you moved in closer. We are kissing. How long have we been kissing? We're making out. There's something different. I can't put my finger on it. All I see is white. My knees lock. I'm looking up now. This makes no sense. What's that? Your finger? It's shiny.

What a dream.

I'm alone in bed. There's a crackling sound. The aroma o f bacon overwhelms my nostrils. I love bacon, but not as much as you (fake vegetarian).

We're married. Is this fantasy? Is this life? I love you/you love me. We're happy. Together. At the beach. It is a happy ending. We're kissing. It's unexpected from both ends. We're kissing. We're kissing. You're not breaking my heart.

Me: I love you
You: I love you

Is this a dream? Will I wake alone? Is this a dream or fantasy? Is this real? Is it 2009? Is it 2005?

Drunk? Too drunk to write? Is this fiction? you're touching me. This is too real to be a dream. I'm in love.