Confession

I cannot find book eleven anywhere. I'm slightly annoyed by this. On another note - I'm struggling deeply with my demons. It's truly terrifying to look into my mind at these times. There is the obvious struggle - I can't stop over drinking. My hands are shaking and my stomach turns. I fear that I am physically killing myself. There isn't any pain. I'm just aware that things are breaking down in my body at a faster rate than it should.

The biggest fear is the mental one. I can physically mask the mistakes. Erin knows. I try to shield her. I try to hide it from her. She thinks that it's me trying to hide it so I won't get caught and face the consequences. I hide it because... (Do you know?)

I hurt everywhere.

When I drink I control time. Time stretches and contracts according to my will while I'm drinking. I can never get back to the time before I had ever drank - but, I come close. I woke up at 330 this morning. I went to work at 9. That five and a half hours lasted a life time. I don't know how to explain it. It felt like it lasted two days and yet, it could have only been 30 minutes.

I hurt everywhere.

The biggest fear is the mental one. I can physically alter the world. I can physically alter myself. Everybody knows. I try to shield them. I try to hide it from them. They think that it's me trying to hide it so I won't get caught and face the consequences. I hide it because I know the truth. I think a lot about how life would be without me.  I don't want to sound self absorbed or overly confident - this post won't lend itself any other way though. I think a lot about how others would be without me. It would be a horrible loss at first. I am a good son. I am a good husband. I am a good employee. I am good at what I do. But, after the initial sadness and loss the people I'm close to would be better without me. I think about this all the time. It weighs me down. It is a rough realization to learn that you are a burden to your loved ones. It is a rough realization to learn that and be too cowardly to live up to those obligations. It weighs me down. I think about this all the time.

I hurt everywhere.

I don't want to post this. I don't want to read this years from now and relive this horror. I especially don't want you to read this and realize that I was struggling so hard in my final days. That terrifies me. I'm lucky we don't own a gun. I couldn't do it another way. I'm too scared. I want too much to accomplish things. I don't want to cause you any more pain. I want to make you proud. But, I think about this all the time. It weighs me down.

I hurt. Everywhere.

The Street of Crocodiles

There is a whole lot going on in this book. Simultaneously, there is a whole lot of nothing going on. I kind of think that it fits that way. As a collection of short stories there are obviously going to be ones that are better and ones that are worse, this book is no different. Schulz has a great mind for interesting depictions of what would be otherwise mundane events (consider The Night of the Great Season). He also has the surrealist sense of the absurd (consider Birds, my personal favorite).

Overall it was a pretty good book. Some of the parts were really, really funny. Some of the seemed to ramble on a bit and arrive at nowhere. Sometimes that nowhere was worth the journey, Sometimes the rambling wasn't worth the nowhere.

The Discovery of America by the Turks - First Reading

Again I find myself frustrated by the lack of a half-star option on Goodreads. Goodreads, if you read the reviews on your app, I beseech you, give us a half-star option.

This is the second Amado book I've read. It was quite a surprise in how different this one was to The Violent Land . It starts out a bit confusing and jumbled; but, it ends quite well. It's a bawdy, raucous tale. Amado notes toward the end that God is a Brazilian. IF man was created in the image of God the Brazilian  then this book captures perfectly what His creation would be like. It's a very funny read and at less than 80 pages totally worth the short time it takes to read!

1984 - First Reading

I'm not quite sure how I went my whole life without having been forced to read this book or having not picked it up on my own considering both its stats as a classic and how much I love Animal Farm. But given its resurgence in the wake of a Trump election and the renewed interest in Far Right political movements I thought I might give it a go. To be utterly honest. I found a lot of it boring and underwhelming as story. As a political ideology piece it's fascinating; but, there is quite a bit to be desired in the overall novel aspect.

The term Orwellian has been tossed at Trump and his supporters a lot since the election. I don't think that's quite a fair assessment. Trump may want to and tries to employ a bit of revisionist history and certainly the alt-right media definitely spins the news events to their own end. But, I don't think Trump or any of the alt-right figures out there today has the mastery of intellect that O'Brien had over Winston. In some respects, like the power for power's sake and the hate, I think the comparison comes a bit closer. But, as far as manipulating history to make it matcha  current political agenda the Left is as equally Orwellian as the right in modern America.

The most interesting parallel with current events and the state of Oceania that occurred to me was in the collectivism and newspeak that was slated to be in full force by 2050. What is closer to this Orwellian dystopia than the current (or relatively recent or relatively to come) political apparatus of the United States is the state that exists online. Freedom is slavery, at least online. Few participate openly in the hate the way they do online. And nowhere matches the collective mindset on threads following news stories or Facebook posts. As far as the creation of a new language slated to entrench itself by 2050 one need not look further than twitter to see that this future is already beginning. Hashtag truth.

Violent Land - First Reading

This was truly a great story to read, utterly gripping. I found myself rooting for both sides and against them as well, depending on the circumstances. It was good to read a more serious and more traditional story after having read two Queneua books in a row. It was also extremely gratifying to read a story that takes place in a setting I know so very little about. In spite of my comprehensive lack of knowledge concerning Brazilian history and the cacao rush that this book entails I felt transported to that region and time by Amado - That is the hallmark of a fantastic storyteller and a good book.

Zazie in the Metro - First Reading

Zazie in the Metro was the fifth book I've read of Queneau. On GoodReads I gave one five stars (The Flight of Icarus); three I gave four stars, (We Always Treat Women too Well, The Blue Flowers and Exercises in Style); Zazie, I gave only three. As mentioned elsewhere, I love Queneau's rambling works as they meander through side streets of his work only to find themselves in the last paragraph to come to a tidy, if somewhat random ending. Somehow, improbably all the loose ends are tied up or at least left me to feel like they were not worth exploring any more in the stories I gave four stars or more. Exercises in Style wasn't one of them - it's four star rating was based on pure wordplay alone.

Queneau wrote in French. Je suis désole je ne parle pas français. (Thanks google). Obviously, I'm reading the translations and thus, I find it odd that the wordplay is one of the pillars as to why I love Queneau's work. But, he explores language so well (and his translators are very intent on bringing that out in the translations) that even one pace removed from him I feel his message coming through loud and clear. "Howcanaystinksotho, wondered Gabriel" is how the novel opens. The colloquialisms and text written to mirror dialect, slang and speech as written word is fascinating to read. Exercises in Style is delving directly into this process over and over and over again. Zazie wades Queneau's toes into the water while dunking us in upside down. It's that dunking that makes Zazie enjoyable. Unfortunately, I found the story lacking.

I read somewhere on GoodReads somebody who has similar books read as I do reviewed either The Blue Flowers or We Always Treat Women Too Well as something that needn't have been translated to English. He waxed poetic about Zazie, but said one of the aforementioned titles was a lackluster work not worthy of translation to English by an otherwise fantastic author. I wholeheartedly disagree - but, I titled this blog post as Zazie In The Metro - First Reading as the First Reading for a reason...

Reading any kind of Queneau the first time demands a second reading. Zazie on the Metro is no exception. There's a whole lot in this book to unpack. At the end of the day though, if you asked me what this book has done to me, I would say, that it has aged me.

We Always Treat Women Too Well

I really enjoy Raymond Queneau and We Always Treat Women Too Well is no exception. I gave it four stars on GoodReads, noting, "Not my favorite Queneau book; but, it has all the familiar trappings of his work. I love his style and the way he plays with words. The humor and absurdity is good and his pace is astounding to behold. As I said before, it's not my favorite one of his so far (The Flight of Icarus), but it's still an enjoyable read".

It's such a farce of a pulp novel that if you had never read Queneua you might've never known that it was satirizing the genre, while celebrating it. It's basically a play on Stockholm Syndrome where the captured woman turns the tables on her captors (the IRA). Sex plays a big part in the book and there are some disturbing imagery. But, much of it is done in the shroud of absurd humor. I like the absurdity and I find it fascinating to read. I think Queneau's pace is really good to read and in this one, like in The Flight of Icarus and The Blue Flowers all the weirdness gets wrapped up rather quickly into a neat little, albeit confusing, ending. Zazie In The Metro, one of Queneau's more celebrated novels doesn't wrap up as well as the other three mentioned in this post. It's probably why I didn't rate it as highly as his others.