The Screwtape Letters

I just finished The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis for the first time as an adult. This is what I wrote in my Goodreads blurb: "Lewis is a wonderful read anytime of the day. That he can pack so much sound theology, care for his fellow man and relevant Biblical principles into a satire from a demon's point of view shows what a gifted writer he was. I think I read this when I was a child the last time (pre-high school). At that point I hadn't been faced with or succumbed to so many temptations. Now in my early 30s I understand the temptations and barbs out there. As a Christian it's easy enough not to commit most of the "big" ones; but, the more nuanced temptations to despair, or self-righteousness or "Christianity and ___" have often overcome me. This book came along to me at a fairly low time in both my spiritual and temporal life. It's not a fix all of course; but, it was a pick me up, slap me around and point me back in the right direction. Hopefully I'll be smart enough to keep heading in that way".

Some of the best parts of the book are the more nuanced sins we as humans can fall to. It's eye opening to say the least. In letter XXV Screwtape writes "The real trouble about the set your patient is living is that it is merely Christian...What we want, if men become Christians at all, is to keep them in the state of mind I call 'Christianity and'. You know - Christianity and the Crisis, Christianity and the New Psychology, Christianity and the New Order, Christianity and Faith Healing, Christianity and Psychical Research, Christianity and Vegetarianism, Christianity and Spelling Reform. If they must be Christians let them at least be Christians with a difference. Substitute for the faith itself some Fashion with a Christian colouring. Work on their horror of the Same Old Thing" (Lewis, 117).

There are two major things packed into here. First, it's a very pertinent thing to current events (and current events throughout the history of politics). Every election cycle we get to the point that I wonder if Christianity has been turned into the sub-category of some cause to be elected. Without beating a dead horse the farcical speech that President Trump gave at Liberty University is case-in-point of when Christianity has been used as a means and not the end itself. President Trump has been the punching bag from every political side. I'm not going to continue that trend. The only difference between Trump and most other modern politicians is how blatantly he donned Christianity for political purposes. Second, there is the horror of the Same Old Thing.

Throughout the book Screwtape instructs Wormwood to instill the fear of the Same Old Thing. This hits me more on a personal level than a theological one. I struggle heavily with this fear. I get easily bored and that's when I do stupid things. I fear the monotony of daily life. This leads into the next and final passage I'll share here. "But, if only he can be kept alive, you have time itself for your ally. The long, dull monotonous years of middle-aged prosperity or middle-aged adversity are excellent campaigning weather. You see, it is so hard for these creates to persevere" (Lewis, 130). How true that is! "The routine of adversity, the gradual decay of youthful loves and youthful hope, the quest despair (hardly felt as pain) of ever overcoming the chronic temptations with which we create in their lives and the inarticulate resentment with which we teach them to respond to it - all this provides admirable opportunities of wearing out a soul by attrition" (Lewis, 130). I am certainly neither as eloquent nor as learned as Lewis. I'll add nothing to this other than to hold my hand up and say, I know this feeling. But even in this season of self-inflicted trouble, or especially because of it, I am trying not to hit despair. Therefore, I won't end on that note. I'll end on a hope to persevere.

Hebrews 12:1-3

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart".

This is my prayer today. I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses. Lord, help me to throw off that which hinders me and the sin that has already entangled me. Give me the clarity to run the race and helped me to fix my eyes on Jesus. Let me consider Him so that I am no longer weary and my heart can be made anew.

Confession

I cannot find book eleven anywhere. I'm slightly annoyed by this. On another note - I'm struggling deeply with my demons. It's truly terrifying to look into my mind at these times. There is the obvious struggle - I can't stop over drinking. My hands are shaking and my stomach turns. I fear that I am physically killing myself. There isn't any pain. I'm just aware that things are breaking down in my body at a faster rate than it should.

The biggest fear is the mental one. I can physically mask the mistakes. Erin knows. I try to shield her. I try to hide it from her. She thinks that it's me trying to hide it so I won't get caught and face the consequences. I hide it because... (Do you know?)

I hurt everywhere.

When I drink I control time. Time stretches and contracts according to my will while I'm drinking. I can never get back to the time before I had ever drank - but, I come close. I woke up at 330 this morning. I went to work at 9. That five and a half hours lasted a life time. I don't know how to explain it. It felt like it lasted two days and yet, it could have only been 30 minutes.

I hurt everywhere.

The biggest fear is the mental one. I can physically alter the world. I can physically alter myself. Everybody knows. I try to shield them. I try to hide it from them. They think that it's me trying to hide it so I won't get caught and face the consequences. I hide it because I know the truth. I think a lot about how life would be without me.  I don't want to sound self absorbed or overly confident - this post won't lend itself any other way though. I think a lot about how others would be without me. It would be a horrible loss at first. I am a good son. I am a good husband. I am a good employee. I am good at what I do. But, after the initial sadness and loss the people I'm close to would be better without me. I think about this all the time. It weighs me down. It is a rough realization to learn that you are a burden to your loved ones. It is a rough realization to learn that and be too cowardly to live up to those obligations. It weighs me down. I think about this all the time.

I hurt everywhere.

I don't want to post this. I don't want to read this years from now and relive this horror. I especially don't want you to read this and realize that I was struggling so hard in my final days. That terrifies me. I'm lucky we don't own a gun. I couldn't do it another way. I'm too scared. I want too much to accomplish things. I don't want to cause you any more pain. I want to make you proud. But, I think about this all the time. It weighs me down.

I hurt. Everywhere.