(Originally written June 30, 2012 on a scrap of paper now lost)
5 Days
Lord, I feel the anger in me. It makes me shake. Keep me from sinning in my anger. Erase my rage, my fear and my anxiety. I lay these things down at your feet. I have cast my burdens onto Jesus. Let me take up the cross so that I may walk with you.
There is no shame in the cross. Lord, please come near me. Be not far from me for I am in desperate need of you. My shoulders are enflamed with rage. I feel hatred coming. Help me to replace it with brotherly love. Keep me from sins. Forgive me of my temptation to sin.
This is five days since since I've had alcohol or tobacco. A mere drop in the bucket, but a testimony to your faithfulness to me. I cannot do this on my own. Be near me oh my God. Teach me in your word. Have the Psalms be my prayers.
Psalm 1
Am I chaff? No, I have not been blown away. I am planted by streams of water, I am merely being pruned. Watch over my way Lord, keep me righteous and increase it for your glory.
Psalm 3
3:3 "But you are a shield around me, O Lord, you bestow glory on me and lift up my head"
3:8 "From the Lord comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people."
It's hard not to pray verse 7. I want badly for you to "strike all my enemies on the jaw". I crave it on some level. Whip my anger back for I am struggling to hold in the emotions of my heart. Forgive me if I am in sin in my anger. I do not wish to sin.
Psalm 4
4:1 "Answer me when I call to you O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer".
4:4 "in your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent"
Psalm 10:1
"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"
Hear my praises Lord as I praise you for your deliverance. I have asked of you in faith to receive Erin as my bride and even when I was faithless you fulfilled the desire of my heart. Praise God.
Psalm 146
146:10 "The Lord reigns forever, for all generations. Praise the Lord"
147
147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"
147:6 "The Lord sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground."
148 - Praises. Praise the Lord
149
149:4 "For the Lord takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation".
Psalm 150
150:6 "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord"
Praise you God for subsiding my anger and barring Satan from my mind. Be with Erin and I today. Help her to get ahold of Pastor Jack. Help us to get married in just a few days. Help us to find a counselor to rebuild the trust. Help me not drag Erin down, but Help Erin to protect me some as I am veery vulnerable right now. I rely on you for strength and refuge. But grant me this request, Lord, I beg of you. See our wedding on July 21st. I praise you for answer to my prayer. I love you God. Thank you for rescuing me. I am sorry it took such pain to bring it about.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
Why do I seek God only in perilous times?
(Originally written June 29, 2012 on a scrap of paper now lost)
4 Days, no tobacco, no alcohol
Lord, Erin is about to talk to her parents. May your will be done, but Lord I don't want to deal the wedding. If it is possible please don't take Bill's blessing. What I need now is strength and encouragement. Teach me as I am in your word.
Isaiah 40
Lord I am like the grass. I will fall but your word will stand forever. Be mindful of how short my span is.
40:30-31 "Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength".
Isaiah 41
41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand".
41:13 "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right and hand and says to you, 'Do to fear; I will help you'"
I Chronicles 16
16:10 "Glory in his holy name, let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice"
- I am seeking the Lord, rejoice oh my heart and be not so crestfallen. Be not far from me God.
Lord, why do I seek you only in perilous times? Why don't I seek you always? I love you. I worship you. Make me faithful?
1 Corinthians 10
10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it"
Psalms 27
27:8 "My heart says of you, 'seek his face', Your face, Lord, I will seek"
-May this be my prayer.
27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord"
II Peter
Lord teach me as I read Second Peter. Grant me wisdom to apply in the future. Write the words on my heart that I may stand up to any temptation. Do not put on me more than I can bear or bear it for me because I am weak. Lord help me to increase my faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love so I will not be ineffective or unproductive. Teach me to live a holy and godly life. Help me to have the strength and effort to be spotless and blameless and at peace with you.
Thank you Lord for your comfort and peace. may I live today a holy and blameless day. Renew my mind.
4 Days, no tobacco, no alcohol
Lord, Erin is about to talk to her parents. May your will be done, but Lord I don't want to deal the wedding. If it is possible please don't take Bill's blessing. What I need now is strength and encouragement. Teach me as I am in your word.
Isaiah 40
Lord I am like the grass. I will fall but your word will stand forever. Be mindful of how short my span is.
40:30-31 "Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength".
Isaiah 41
41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand".
41:13 "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right and hand and says to you, 'Do to fear; I will help you'"
I Chronicles 16
16:10 "Glory in his holy name, let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice"
- I am seeking the Lord, rejoice oh my heart and be not so crestfallen. Be not far from me God.
Lord, why do I seek you only in perilous times? Why don't I seek you always? I love you. I worship you. Make me faithful?
1 Corinthians 10
10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it"
Psalms 27
27:8 "My heart says of you, 'seek his face', Your face, Lord, I will seek"
-May this be my prayer.
27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord"
II Peter
Lord teach me as I read Second Peter. Grant me wisdom to apply in the future. Write the words on my heart that I may stand up to any temptation. Do not put on me more than I can bear or bear it for me because I am weak. Lord help me to increase my faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love so I will not be ineffective or unproductive. Teach me to live a holy and godly life. Help me to have the strength and effort to be spotless and blameless and at peace with you.
Thank you Lord for your comfort and peace. may I live today a holy and blameless day. Renew my mind.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Drinking has consequences
(Originally written June 28, 2012 on a scrap of paper now lost)
3 Days, no tobacco, no alcohol
The deluge of pain keeps coming Lord. Numerous people have suggest that we postpone the wedding. I do not want to do this. But, I do not want to jeopardize Erin. Lord you will be done in this. Grant me the strength to bear all things.
Forgive me for my anger today. I said things alone I ought not say. Thank you for coming when I prayed. Come near me now, be not far from me. I still fear anger and resentment. Keep me from sin. will gouge out an eye if that is what I need to be pure. Lord, I'm pouring out my heart to you. My soul will be crushed by a delay in the wedding. I don't know if I can handle it. Grant me peace to weather this storm. Be not far from me. Teach me in I Peter.
I trust in you Lord, may I never be put to shame. I feel such shame now.
I Peter 2:11-12 "Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they cause you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us"
How do I live a good life God?
2:25 "For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls".
4:8 "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins"
-This is the hope I have Lord, not of you, but of an on-time wedding.
5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you".
3 Days, no tobacco, no alcohol
The deluge of pain keeps coming Lord. Numerous people have suggest that we postpone the wedding. I do not want to do this. But, I do not want to jeopardize Erin. Lord you will be done in this. Grant me the strength to bear all things.
Forgive me for my anger today. I said things alone I ought not say. Thank you for coming when I prayed. Come near me now, be not far from me. I still fear anger and resentment. Keep me from sin. will gouge out an eye if that is what I need to be pure. Lord, I'm pouring out my heart to you. My soul will be crushed by a delay in the wedding. I don't know if I can handle it. Grant me peace to weather this storm. Be not far from me. Teach me in I Peter.
I trust in you Lord, may I never be put to shame. I feel such shame now.
I Peter 2:11-12 "Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they cause you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us"
How do I live a good life God?
2:25 "For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls".
4:8 "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins"
-This is the hope I have Lord, not of you, but of an on-time wedding.
5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you".
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Psalms of hope. I believe! Help me overcome my unbelief.
(Originally written June 27, 2012 on a scrap of paper now lost)
Day 2 - No tobacco, alcohol
Lord, thank you for yesterday - your hope and your encouragement. Watch over Erin and I. Prosper us. Heal the wounds I've caused. Work in me so that she may see the change. Help me now as I struggle some, wanting some tobacco. Take the craving away. Hear my prayer. Teach me in your word as I read Psalms 33, 39, 43, 71 and 146.
Psalm 33
Here is why we hope: "May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you" (Psalm 33:22)
Psalm 39
39:7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you"
I've searched for purpose and fulfillment in so many things. Help this verse to be my constant prayer. My hope is in you. Hear my prayer.
Psalm 43
43:3 "Send forth your light and your turret, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell". Hear my prayer. Guide me Lord.
Put your hope in God. Do not be so downcast in your soul.
Psalm 71
71:2 "Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness, turn your ear to me and save me"
71:12 "Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me"
71:14 "But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more".
- Let this be true of me. Lord, I praise you with all my heart and all my soul.
71:20 "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up"
Psalm 146
Just accept this reading as my praise to you God.
I Peter 1
I Peter 1:13-16 "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy".
Grant me a greater portion of self-control Lord that I no longer bend to evil desires of my youth. Lord, continue to teach me in Mark. Write the words I read in my heart. Embed them in my mind so that I may be renewed and be full of self-control that I may give up the past things.
Mark
9:24 "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
Lord, I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief. I do trust, help me overcome my lack of trust. I do have faith, help me overcome its weakness.
11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer believe that you have received it, and it will be yours".
14:38 "Watch and pray so that you do not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak".
Lord, bless me this day. Keep me from from sin.
Day 2 - No tobacco, alcohol
Lord, thank you for yesterday - your hope and your encouragement. Watch over Erin and I. Prosper us. Heal the wounds I've caused. Work in me so that she may see the change. Help me now as I struggle some, wanting some tobacco. Take the craving away. Hear my prayer. Teach me in your word as I read Psalms 33, 39, 43, 71 and 146.
Psalm 33
Here is why we hope: "May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you" (Psalm 33:22)
Psalm 39
39:7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you"
I've searched for purpose and fulfillment in so many things. Help this verse to be my constant prayer. My hope is in you. Hear my prayer.
Psalm 43
43:3 "Send forth your light and your turret, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell". Hear my prayer. Guide me Lord.
Put your hope in God. Do not be so downcast in your soul.
Psalm 71
71:2 "Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness, turn your ear to me and save me"
71:12 "Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me"
71:14 "But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more".
- Let this be true of me. Lord, I praise you with all my heart and all my soul.
71:20 "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up"
Psalm 146
Just accept this reading as my praise to you God.
I Peter 1
I Peter 1:13-16 "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy".
Grant me a greater portion of self-control Lord that I no longer bend to evil desires of my youth. Lord, continue to teach me in Mark. Write the words I read in my heart. Embed them in my mind so that I may be renewed and be full of self-control that I may give up the past things.
Mark
9:24 "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
Lord, I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief. I do trust, help me overcome my lack of trust. I do have faith, help me overcome its weakness.
11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer believe that you have received it, and it will be yours".
14:38 "Watch and pray so that you do not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak".
Lord, bless me this day. Keep me from from sin.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Hungover meditation on the Penitential Psalms
(Originally written June 26, 2012 on a scrap of paper now lost)
Lord, I've done it again. I've sinned against you and against Erin. I've drank again. I've dipped again. I've lied about it again. Forgive me please. Forgive me. I am such a broken man. I can't do this on my own. Break me of these horrible habits. Help me to live in the Truth and in the Light. Teach me in your Word today.
Lamentations
1:20 "See, Oh Lord, how distressed I am! I am in torment within, and in my heart I am disturbed, for I have been most rebellious".
3:22 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail".
In spite of all the self-inflected wounds Judah has the Lord has not fully consumed them. I praise you God for not fully consuming me.
God's compassions are new every morning. (3:23).
3:31-33 "For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,s o great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men".
3:39 "Why should any living man complain when punished for his sins?"
5:21 "Restore us to yourself, O Lord, that we may return; renew our days of old.
Lord turn you anger from me. Forgive me of my sins I confess to you. Break me of these sins and patterns of sins and please do not destroy me utterly.
Lord as I read the seven penitential psalms take them as my prayer. I bow before you in humility. I prostrate myself before you and beg for your forgiveness.
Psalm 6
6:4 "Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" Hear my prayer.
6:9 "The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer"
I have faith in this verse. I have faith in your mercy and unfailing love.
Psalm 32
32:3 "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through groaning all day long"
Help me to break my silence. Give me the courage to speak with someone about my problems.
I have confessed Lord, forgive the guilt of my sin as you did for David. Surround me with songs of deliverance.
32:9 "Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you"
Etch these words on my heart oh Lord!
Psalm 38
My bones have no soundness because of my sin. Surely your arrows have pierced me.
38:4 "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear"
Psalm 38:1-14 really describes what I am feeling. Lord Answer me when I pray 38:21-22.
38:1-22 "O Lord, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior"
Psalm 51
51:1-2 "Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
Teach me truth in my inner parts.
Hear my prayer: 51:8 "Let me hear joy and gladness, let the bones you crushed rejoice".
Create in me a new heart, one that seeks only you. Make me true to you. Give me the strength to cling to you in the face of all opposition. Hear my prayer.
Look on me Lord, I offer you my broken spirit and my contrite heart. Do not despise these Lord, rather grant me mercy.
Psalm 102
102:2 "Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly"
102:17 "He will respond to the prayer of the destitute. He will not despise their plea".
Hope, my God.
Psalm 130
130:4 But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.
I put my hope in your Word, Lord. In you Lord is unfailing love and full redemption.
Psalm 143
143:1 "Oh Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief"
143:7 "Answer me quickly, O Lord. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit".
I put my trust in you.
Lord, I'm going to read Mark now. Teach me in the Word.
Lord, I repent and believe the good news.
Jesus, as you healed Simon's mother-in-law she got up and began to serve you. I feel your spirit comforting me today. Heal me completely so that I may serve you.
Mark 1:40 "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean"
Mark 3:28 "I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them".
Thank you Jesus!
Lord, I've done it again. I've sinned against you and against Erin. I've drank again. I've dipped again. I've lied about it again. Forgive me please. Forgive me. I am such a broken man. I can't do this on my own. Break me of these horrible habits. Help me to live in the Truth and in the Light. Teach me in your Word today.
Lamentations
1:20 "See, Oh Lord, how distressed I am! I am in torment within, and in my heart I am disturbed, for I have been most rebellious".
3:22 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail".
In spite of all the self-inflected wounds Judah has the Lord has not fully consumed them. I praise you God for not fully consuming me.
God's compassions are new every morning. (3:23).
3:31-33 "For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,s o great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men".
3:39 "Why should any living man complain when punished for his sins?"
5:21 "Restore us to yourself, O Lord, that we may return; renew our days of old.
Lord turn you anger from me. Forgive me of my sins I confess to you. Break me of these sins and patterns of sins and please do not destroy me utterly.
Lord as I read the seven penitential psalms take them as my prayer. I bow before you in humility. I prostrate myself before you and beg for your forgiveness.
Psalm 6
6:4 "Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" Hear my prayer.
6:9 "The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer"
I have faith in this verse. I have faith in your mercy and unfailing love.
Psalm 32
32:3 "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through groaning all day long"
Help me to break my silence. Give me the courage to speak with someone about my problems.
I have confessed Lord, forgive the guilt of my sin as you did for David. Surround me with songs of deliverance.
32:9 "Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you"
Etch these words on my heart oh Lord!
Psalm 38
My bones have no soundness because of my sin. Surely your arrows have pierced me.
38:4 "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear"
Psalm 38:1-14 really describes what I am feeling. Lord Answer me when I pray 38:21-22.
38:1-22 "O Lord, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior"
Psalm 51
51:1-2 "Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
Teach me truth in my inner parts.
Hear my prayer: 51:8 "Let me hear joy and gladness, let the bones you crushed rejoice".
Create in me a new heart, one that seeks only you. Make me true to you. Give me the strength to cling to you in the face of all opposition. Hear my prayer.
Look on me Lord, I offer you my broken spirit and my contrite heart. Do not despise these Lord, rather grant me mercy.
Psalm 102
102:2 "Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly"
102:17 "He will respond to the prayer of the destitute. He will not despise their plea".
Hope, my God.
Psalm 130
130:4 But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.
I put my hope in your Word, Lord. In you Lord is unfailing love and full redemption.
Psalm 143
143:1 "Oh Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief"
143:7 "Answer me quickly, O Lord. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit".
I put my trust in you.
Lord, I'm going to read Mark now. Teach me in the Word.
Lord, I repent and believe the good news.
Jesus, as you healed Simon's mother-in-law she got up and began to serve you. I feel your spirit comforting me today. Heal me completely so that I may serve you.
Mark 1:40 "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean"
Mark 3:28 "I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them".
Thank you Jesus!
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